I remember when things were bad- really bad, and the world outside my window seemed black and white, how I would say to myself things to try to add color…

“I have beautiful children.” 

“I have a loving husband.” 

“I have faithful friends.” 

“You matter to people.” 

And while I would say those things to myself,  they were like a foreign words that didn’t belong together. And my heart couldn’t really see or feel the colors, but everything hurt- with sharp edges and words, in black and white. 

I would say those things but what I would hear…

“You don’t deserve those beautiful children.” 

“Your loving husband is pretending for the kids sake.” 

“Your friends liked the old you better.” 

“You don’t really matter.”  

But Now.

Now…I see so much color. 

Vibrant bright colors, and memories, I am trying to lock in tight. Soft curves of light, and bold morning reflections…and even on the occasional low days…when I look out the window and the grey and black and white seem to be creeping in- I look for one piece of color. One small beautiful little ray of color…usually in the form of gratefulness. 

Gratefulness is so incredibly beautiful, and so easily taken for granted.

Critiquing, complaining, pessimism, negativity…are all in black and white. 

So is depression, anxiety, worry, envy, and despair…it take color out of the sky, out of life. 

Until we stand in blackness. In fog. In the dark. 

But, but gratefulness gives color. Gratefulness gives color back and glows light.

And I am grateful. 

Yesterday I started to feel low…a bit overwhelmed, with too many thoughts, and very unappreciated. 

I still cling to certain places where I am not really valued, and yet I go back, always thinking it will be different. 

But the better I get, the more color I see, the more I also see the ways I haven’t been valued. In fact I haven’t even been on the radar. 

So I thought. And I grew sad. 

And I realized had a choice.

I could sit in that dark moment, relationship, and feel all the inadequacies and second guess all the ways I am failing at it…or…or…

I can be grateful, for all the places in life that I have that bring me color. 

All the people that paint me into their lives. Not just today, but always, even when I was a shadow of myself. 

Today I was overcome with hues of gratefulness as I saw the bright brilliant colors of happy thoughts…and found I am really looking forward to the future. Trips filled with big blue skies, and green hills. Crystal blue water, and sunsets of orange and purple and pink. 

I am looking forward to bright starry nights and the colors of spring. The sounds of spring. 

I love the sound of my children. Their laughter is bright and bold, and filled with joy. I have beautiful children. I am grateful to watch them grow and bloom- all different shades and colors. 

I have a loving husband. I love the sound of his voice, the way he stands, the person he is. I love his faithfulness, and the solid color of our love. It is remarkable to be loved so well, and burns bright still. I am grateful for his constant faith in us. 

I am grateful for faithful friends and family. People who will pray with me any time I ask, who check in, who love me in fearless waves of support. They shade, and offer hope, and laughter and make me feel worthwhile. I also am incredibly protective of their colors- I will fight to keep them bright. They brought sunlight and depth to me in my darkest moments and I will never ever forget that. 

And I matter. 

I mattered when the world was in black and white, and the print was filled with gloom. I matter now in the beautiful colors of life. And I am grateful for every luminous gift and stain that fills this world given by the artist who created color. Who created me. 

Created My world. Our world. 

Who sacrificed it all so our Colors can be bright, and you can live. 

So you’ve had a bad day, or days, and the world looks black and white…a color of gratefulness or two or three can make the day completely different. 

Giving yourself permission to see life in color again is a brave thing. Even if everything feels sharp and dark, find your courage and look for one piece of color. 

Even if it’s the smallest sliver of real color that’s a reason to be grateful…

Because you matter. You were painted into existence beautiful and bold…and matter. And I am grateful for the giftof your color in this life. You matter. 



Today I’m home with a sick little one. Sickness comes even if you have plans…in fact it doesn’t care if you had plans or work, or meetings.

And life keeps going. And work keeps happening. But my world has to freeze, because I have a sick kiddo and he needs me. 

He only wants me when he’s sick.

“I just want you Mommy.”

Which is special and hard all at the same time. 

So today my real is being a Mom. I had to ask for help, and cancel things, and get a sub, and spent the day right next to my son. And canceling and asking for help is really really hard for me. 

Life keeps going. And what matters most is happening right here. 

And the part of life that can’t wait doesn’t matter when the big picture is the small round face who needs to know that he’s worth canceling everything for. 

How often do we put so many things in front the things that matter…the little things and the big things. How often do we waste time on the things that don’t matter?  

Meanwhile not focusing on our faith, our family, and people that need us.

 Sometimes what matters is just being present, and being willing to just…be…here. Which is special and hard all at the same time…but also beautiful and life changing. 

I’m here. Right here. 



Today ends NEDA week- or National Eating Disorder Awareness week- something that holds a very significant and important place in my heart. 

I love someone who has an eating disorder.  I love someone who is in recovery. And I have seen the toll eating disorders take on the mind ~body ~soul ~spirit.

I have been the support, and the caregiver of someone with an eating disorder. 

I also love many people who struggle with eating disorders that haven’t been in treatment or refuse to see the gravity of the disease in their lives. They are perpetually unhappy in their body, look for outside affirmation, and restrict food in the name of fitness and fasting. 

They may even read this, and be mad at me…and that’s ok. Because me and eating disorders will never get along. I am an enemy to restrictive eating. I am an enemy to body dysphoric disorder. In fact it hates me. I see through its lies and its constant jabs and call it like it is…

Abusive, cruel, and life stealing. 

 It is no way to live. It will kill you. 

I’ve had Enough! 

Eating disorders are the leading cause of death from a mental illness.

And until you have held someone who would rather die than live in the body they are housed in- so depleted of life and freedom, paralyzed by fear, and a voice telling that they  will never be good enough…that they will never be beautiful. That if they finish eating their dinner they are losing…you will never understand the prison they are trapped in.

They think they are losing. Losing the battle to be thinner. And they can’t change it on their own because the disease has changed the way their body works. They are nauseous when they eat. Their brain is confused by hunger cues and fullness, the disease has lied and crept into every part of their lives. And their brain isn’t fed, and so things don’t make sense. And they are freezing cold and confused…and believe lie upon lie, and don’t look like themselves. And they are losing…

Enough! 

And we are failing them! We praise the thin, we promote our weight loss in the wrong ways- by body shaming and restrictive thinking. And we buy the magazines that call a celebrity fat, and we judge people who’ve gained weight when we have no idea. We have NO idea about their lives. We are openly prejudiced against the obese. And we should be ashamed of the way we treat and expect perfection from our athletes and our kids…and body talk. The freaking life sucking body talk we do! In front of our children. In front of our children. In front of our babies. 

“No more carbs. Carbs make you fat.” 

“Ugh I’m so fat!” 

“Mommy’s just tired from working out.” When Mommy hasn’t eaten all day- is restricting because of some stupid superficial reason. And they hear. They hear US! And they learn…

Shame on us all! 

I have been to enough support groups and sessions to know now- they learned from us! 

So I have had enough! 

Your self worth is not what you weigh. 

Your self worth is not what you look like. 

Your self worth is who you are…

I love someone with an eating disorder. I love someone in recovery from an eating disorder. And she is the most beautiful person I know…and she has fought, and I have fought, and I will spend the rest of my life fighting for her life. For all our kids lives. 

Because enough is enough! 

We have to be the ones to fight back. We have to be the ones to take back our lives, our bodies, our souls, and stop killing spirits. Especially our own. 

I am beautiful, and not because of my weight. I am beautiful because I have loved greatly, and will fight for the real beauty in people. And I will not be silent.  

You are Enough. 



To my girl…I will never stop fighting for you. 

They were fighting. 

They couldn’t find a resolution. 

They kept coming to me…yelling, crying, over a car they are building…though one says they are building a fan. 

And then they started arguing again. 

Car! Fan! Car! Fan! 

I can hear them from inside the house. I had been helping them all morning, running errands for their school projects. And listening to copious amounts of fighting. 

Not doing anything I’d planned…like working out and showering. Or even brushing my hair.

 Instead I cleaned up after others, ran errands for others, and made a small dent in my list of things to get done. 

Sooooo full disclosure?

I hid. I hid in my bedroom. 

One of them came to tell on another and knocked on the door, and asked why my door was locked and I told them I was on my “mandatory lunch.” 

“But you already had lunch!” He said…because recently he likes to be the leading authority on everything. 

And I just said “I can’t hear you, I’m on my lunch break!” 

And I laid on my bed. Even though the sheets were still in the dryer. And I felt the sunlight on my face. And I listened…to silence. 

I knew that when I came downstairs there would still be laundry and dishes. I knew that they may still be fighting over their “invention.” But it was worth it. 

Because sometimes I don’t want to be a negotiator or a referee. I just want a break. I don’t want to be a housekeeper or a supervisor. I just want to clock in my day, and clock out. But I can’t do that. I’m a Mom. I have to show up. 

I have the furrowed brow and the big bags, and I bring it every single damn day. 

But that doesn’t mean I can’t hide. Or need a break. So I took one. 

20 minutes. Silence. Peace. 

Because I love my kids. I love my life. But everyone needs a breather. 



And I still haven’t brushed my hair…but there’s always tomorrow. 

(Joyful mysteries Note…this Friday’s writer has chosen to remain anonymous.  Names have been changed in order to protect anonymity. But Her story is important.  Her story is real and raw.  And she is a beautiful human being, much more beautiful than she gives her self credit for.  I love her very much, and am grateful that she chose to use her words and her real, and share with us today.)

Validate: ˈva-lə-ˌdāt   to recognize, establish, or illustrate the worthiness or legitimacy of .

Validation matters. Your hurts matter. Your triumphs matter. You matter. So why is it so hard to feel fulfilled? I believe all insecurity drives sin. Insecurity comes from pride, and depending which side of the horse you fall off of, the need for validation can eat you up.

Let me explain.

When a child gets hurt often times a simple kiss on the respective owie suddenly makes it go away. Every parent knows this trick. I have kissed some serious floor burns that seemed to be pain free in the instant I kissed them.

That kiss is validation. That’s all it is. There is no real miracle occurring, but it is a simple act of validation.

From a young age human nature desires to be validated. To feel worthy. To have our hurts recognized to be legitimate. And while I think this is human nature, I think the very need for validation is something the enemy uses to incite unrest in some many people’s lives.

If I am to survey severed relationships in my life, I can see where validation plays a role in every single one.

Affairs? Seeking validation. Break it down.

Someone feels not good enough. Not wanted enough. So they step outside their relationship to find that feeling of being wanted. Of being enough.

Friends think you are not making enough time for them?

The need for attention from someone comes from that same place of needing validation. Of being made to feel worthy. Of your time. Your emotion. When it is not fulfilled, hurts arise.

A child falls and skins their knee?

The physical pain is small, but perhaps their pride is damaged for a moment. The one thing to help satisfy that? Validate it. Kiss it. Recognize it. And suddenly it is not so bad.

So how is the cycle broken? How can I beat the need for validation within my own life?

I was reading my Bible this morning and the Holy Spirit lead me to a verse.

Galatians 1:10

 Am I now trying to win the approval of human beings, or of God? Or am I trying to please people? If I were still trying to please people, I would not be a servant of Christ.

We are vessels designed to serve our Creator. The closer I draw to the Father, the more fulfilled my life is.  I find purpose. I find belonging. I find validation from the very person who designed my being.

I think the cycle is shattered, when we follow Christ.

Because in Him I don’t feel the need to compare my life to everyone else around me.

In Him, I feel completely confident in myself worth regardless of the laundry pile on the couch, the stretch marks on my body or the fact I lost my cool while grocery shopping with 2 feuding children and a crying baby all needing my… validation.

In Him, every single one of my hurts, big and small, matter.

My oldest child, R, was born during a trivial season of my life. I was seeking approval. I was wanting so desperately to belong. To be someone’s priority. And so I made choices I felt would bring me to that place. So I ended up single and pregnant at 19.

Validation.

R has been given a unique gift in my husband. While biologically he is not R’s dad, he has assumed the role in such a graceful way, that most people who don’t know us well, would never guess it. On our wedding day, R, on their own accord, started calling my husband Dad. R doesn’t have a step dad. R has two dad’s. One to live with and one to see occasionally. But sometimes I forget. I don’t know what it must be like to feel rejected by your own father. To feel not good enough. To feel you aren’t worth making time for. So while I am validating all of the other emotions, hurts and needs I see on a daily basis. I forget about this big cloud of rejection lingering in the background.

We attended a church service recently with a guest speaker who has a divine calling for healing. R was adamant that we attend wanting to witness God in action. To see a prophetic gift at work, is something truly miraculous.

As we watched people approach the altar for prayer for everything from busted knees, to TMJ, R watched with an intentional stillness. R watched, and then turned to me and said felt called to go to the altar, but wasn’t sure why. ‘I know I am not sick, Mom, but I feel like my spirit needs something. I am going up there.’

As the speaker approached R, I watched my child began to weep. And then it happened. God showed R the validation needed most. R couldn’t figure out what it was God wanted to give that evening but He wanted to validate a broken heart. The room was packed and I was struggling to hear, but as I watched my crying child take a seat up on the stage I heard the man with the microphone call out a broken heart. He acknowledged that this broken heart was from a dad, and that God wanted that to be healed. A complete stranger to us, used by God, to create within a child healing. Validation.

From that very moment moving forward, I have seen a dramatic change in the way R handles life. The way R carries childhood looks completely different. There is a new-found peace surrounding my child. And through all of this I have witnessed the  most important lesson on validation. Nobody could provide that validation like the Father. It had to be Him. It always has to be Him.

The more thought I gave it, the more I realized that the need for validation has greatly controlled my own life. In so many ways…

During my 10th year of life I was sexually abused on a few occasions by a close family friend. Our families spent a great deal of time together, and this man never gave my parents a reason to feel as thought they could not trust me with him. While the abuse was occurring I really had no idea exactly what was happening. The attempts started out as subtle and just continued to get more aggressive. When I finally realized what was happening, I was able to take a stand for myself and the abuse stopped. A few years later, I came forward about what had happened, and with the help of my abuser’s ex-wife and my mom, we moved forward in a legal process. After a lengthy trial, he went to prison. As I sat on the stand testifying against a man who tried to take away something so precious to me, it hit me. Prior to the abuse, this man and his family provided a sense of validation for me. A sense of belonging.

See, I grew up in a home with parents who fought. Money was usually tight, an older sibling was usually in trouble, and I was constantly trying to seek the approval of my father be it with sports or school. I never felt quite good enough. But when in the presence of my abuser, I felt like… enough. He used that to gain my trust. I had a nickname. He took me places. He bought me things. He complimented me and did not criticize me. His wife at the time treated me as her own. (She remains someone so very dear to my heart because of her absolute support. She is happily remarried to an amazing guy and she is an incredible mama to her girls.) Their house was an escape from the turbulent environment in which I was raised. And just as the enemy would have it, that need for validation would be used to try to take me out in the most intimate of ways.

I don’t speak of this part of my past for sympathy. The healing that has taken place is divine and is a topic for a whole separate blog. God has used that bad for SO MUCH good in my life, including my ability to be completely fulfilled by the validation I find in Christ.

To validate someone, is to establish their worthiness.

Validation is incomplete when it comes from man. It was never supposed to come from another person. It is not found in how many likes you have on your Instagram pictures. It will never satisfy if it is wrapped up in the number on the scale or the dollars in your bank account.

We are supposed to find all purpose, all comfort, all identity and hope within the arms of the One who made us.

My prayer is that insecurity can be released in Jesus’ name. That the need for acceptance from man can disappear in my personal life, and from the lives of those around me. I pray that the only validation we seek, will be the approval of the Father. Because through the cross, our hurts are covered, are mistakes are null and void. Through the cross we were made enough, we were made whole.

 

As much as I love the Sun, we need Rain. 

I love sitting in the Sun, feeling its warmth on my shoulder and my cheeks. 

I love squinting in the sunshine, as long as I have good sunglasses, and I love being warm. 

I love the Sun, but we need the Rain. 

We need the Rain in order to fertilize. We need the Rain in order to grow. 

Roots cannot grab and reach and stretch with out the Rain. 

We need the Rain, to quench the thirst of the soil, of the low rivers, to make things green and fresh. 

Fed. 

Filled. 

The Rain makes the visibility hard, and the roads slick. It makes our shoulders sag, and our hair damp. 

We come inside drenched, and take off our wet clothes. And we look at the grey grey sky. 

But we need the Rain. 

We need the Rain in order to grow, and learn about stretching beyond what’s comfortable.

We need the Rain to seep in, and sit there, and make us think and feel deep things. 

We need to come in, drenched and dejected, not even realizing we are being changed…we are learning, we are living. 

We stand in a puddle, and we know we may need it, but we don’t want it. We don’t want this Rain, this puddle, so we stomp…and stomp again. 

And then something amazing happens. We laugh. 

We stomp and we laugh. 

And we live. 

And we grow. We survive.

And eventually the Rain stops, and we stand in the Sunlight. 

We stand taller. 

We live more Fully.

We love more deeply. 

Because our roots have grown deep under the surface and we’ve stretched and laughed and stomped. 

And we couldn’t have done that without the rain. 

We all need the Rain. 



Today you are feeling “all the feelings.” You are feeling grateful for the things you have, and very very tired. You are looking for the good in adversity, and for the good in today. You are feeling crummy, but are still having to work and show up in life.

Today. 

 You are hanging in there…getting up every day, showing up. You are praying for others, and trying to see all sides of situations. You are looking and praying for patience. You are feeling the incredible weight of responsibility at work and as a parent…and feel so torn, always. You are  grumpy AND blessed…at the same time. You are taking little steps, every day- towards wholeness. Towards self care. 

You are looking down and wondering how you can only be half way through the week. 

You are looking around, and maybe not really seeing what you have to offer to today, to others. 

But your life is a beautiful story. Your life is a testament of strength, and showing up. Your life is a daily mission to serve and reach, and love. And you are doing that. You. Love when it’s tough. Love when you are ill. Love when life makes you look at the ground and wonder what you will ever offer to anyone again…

I am blessed, by your words, by your life unfiltered. 

Look up…find a little beauty in today. 

Look up…you are absolutely precious. 

Look up…it’s a new day. Your story is beautiful, even with all the feelings…your story matters. So much. 



Over the weekend as I stood and looked at the Ocean- I saw the beauty and the danger. 

As I walked along the rocks and the sand, and the waves, I saw two memorials placed for two local(to my town) teenagers who had died, by being swept out by sneaker waves. 

They were good kids. Boys. Swept out and killed within minutes- just from standing on rocks near the ocean. They had their entire lives out in front of them. 

We were silent as we read the words dedicated to them. 

On Sunday, a mother was crossing the street with her three children and a driver blew through a red light and killed all three kids and left their mother in critical condition. 

Our entire community is stunned. Instantly lives are changed. Taken. They were just crossing the street. They had their entire lives in front of them. 

This morning dozens of Christians were kidnapped in Syria and taken prisoner of ISIS. Last week ISIS executed 21 “crusaders of the cross” in Egypt. And aired it. Lives in front of them- now being tortured for what they believe. Dying for the Cross. 

This. This is happening. This is real. 

I usually steer myself away from this stuff because it’s so heavy. I’m so affected. It hits my heart and makes me hurt. 

But. But this is happening. This is real. 

People are mourning their boys swept away, and their death is a reminder of that. The memorial talks about the treacherous Ocean and its dangers…beyond the shallow. 

Families are stunned as a Mother lays in critical condition and I wonder if she knows her children are gone. Would I want to know? Would I want to go on without them? This is deep huge and completely relevant to the pain of real life…beyond the shallow. 

People are being ripped from their homes, and executed because their beliefs. This group of terrorists is making a big statement. And here we sit at home and make our Costco runs, and watch Netflix, with a divisive President and news channels that should be outraged! We should be outraged… Beyond the shallow the water is getting deeper. 

What I see…

The Nation is so divided. And we as families have never been more disconnected. We choose faith like a salad bar. And we raise kids to be wishy washy. Church’s are hungry and not being fed. We don’t want to offend- so we become cowards.

And a battle has begun. 

This is beyond the shallow…this will hit home. Not if, when…it will. 

Last night I woke up terrified. Not anxious. But terrified because the weight of what I would have to write today terrified me. Because it’s not shallow or easy. It’s terrifying to say I am aware of a very big battle waging. It has been brewing for sometime- and we need to be ready.

So I wade deeper in the water of prayer. I douse myself in it and pray for protection to watch over me. I am done with the shallow water. This is dangerous and beautiful but I refuse to be lukewarm. I will go deeper.

I will love like I mean it. 

I will pray with intention. 

And I will live my life fully…not for likes on a post or for affirmation over a computer. I will write truth because I cannot be afraid that you won’t like me. Because speaking the truth is not supposed to be comfortable. 

I will fight back. For my children. For your children. For Eternity. 



I will be real. 

The water is getting deeper. Are you ready? 

Please pray for the victims of these tragedies and their families…May God bring protection on our families. 

And have mercy on us All. 

My entire life I was involved in some aspect of theatre. Whether I was on stage or behind the scenes that was the place I most felt at home. In College I interned at a local theatre, and as an adult have spent years running my own drama writing/teaching company. I still contract work out.

I love everything about scripts, and character development. I love improv and tear your heart and soul out theatre. I’ve loved my quirky theatre people who just got me.

Which is funny because I have social anxiety. Before events I get a huge stomach ache, we’ve had to leave parties before- when we were already in the driveway, and even writing about those types of events gets me feeling all anxious. I say a prayer every day before I walk across the school grounds to get my kids because I feel nervous. I’m different than I was two years ago, and I’m not confident around some of the parents.

I have a dream role I would love to play still, and Miss Hannigan would be the ultimate. But right now I’m back stage in most aspects of my life.

I have only been the lead in a big production once. However I’ve been in Many Many productions.

I loved theatre but there was always someone better.

And I knew that.

I of course would get so disappointed when I didn’t get the role I wanted. But something else amazing happened most of the time, when I opened my eyes to the possibilities. I realized how incredible it was to build a character and make them just mine. I loved being Girl number 7, and being able to put in one unscripted line and my own flare.

Of course I wanted to be center stage, but only one or two people can be. And there is great grace in learning that early.

That’s why as I raise my kids it has been so important to me that they enjoy whatever role they are given. If they’re out field they will do their best to be the best outfielder, even if their dream was playing second base.

Because they won’t always be the best. Or be first pick. Or be the lead role. As much as they want to. But if they are respectful and a team player that will make them great. If they stand out as someone who always does the right thing that will make them a star.

This Revolution has changed me…of course I want to write for a living. Of course I want to speak to people about God’s will to raise up and be real. But this has changed the course of who I am…I will not sell God to you. I will tell you about Him. I will not sell real to you. I will encourage you to find your real, in your own way. I do not want to be center stage, I want to point you to the center stage so you can transform into the best version of who you are called to be. Right where you are at.

Where you are is your real. And it can be a great beautiful thing, if you let it.

I play many roles these days…I am a wife, and mother, sister and daughter. I am a friend, and kindred. I am a coworker, and volunteer. I do not stand out always, and many times am just plain average…but I am becoming a most authentic Kristin. And loving Kristin is the biggest role I’ve ever been given.

Really loving and accepting who I am…even though the body I have isn’t necessarily the one I want. The mind I have isn’t as sharp as I’d hoped for. I’m not as organized a role, as I’d hoped to have played…but I have been given this Role. This body. This spirit. And I will give it my all. Until I take my final bow…My ALL.

For his Glory.

This is the Life you’ve been given. This is your Role. Your Life….give it your all.

I only have five minutes to write this post.

So… Today I choose gratefulness.

Today I choose to love my body and my imperfections.

Today I choose to love my circumstances and my clutter.

Today I choose to not own what people think of me and what people want me to think about myself.

Today I choose to see the simple facts and rejoice in the real truths of my soul…

That God is good.

That true friends are the best thing invented.

That a loving family is never overrated.

That self care is essential to survival.

Today.

Today I choose joy. Today I choose to not let anyone or anybody else’s priorities steal that.

Today I choose to laugh and not worry if it makes my face crease funny, or make me have a double chin.

Today I choose to sing out loud, because I love to sing, and even when my voice wobbles and cracks I need to.

Today I will tell people I love them. Twice.

Today I will be grateful for every simple little pleasure and pray for all of those that don’t know how to be grateful.

But I won’t take on their stuff, because today I choose grateful.

Arms Wide Open, life still right there, open in front of me- grateful.

Okay! That’s my five minutes…back to my Today.