My Joyful Mysteries, and A Revolution of Real

Today we looked at the view…

Maybe our view was at work as we thanked God for having a job we love. Maybe it was being smothered and loved by runny noses and wide open smiles. Maybe our view was appointments, waiting, being placed. Taking pictures of messy beautiful baby hair, and our babies getting too big, and cursing potty training. 

Our view was getting braces after 58 years, and driving down the road with our son’s Church shirt drying before school. 

Our view was looking out, looking in, and looking around. 

Today as I fixed my little Grace’s hair, I was struck by how fast the view can pass us by when we’re too busy focusing on the parts we can’t see. The parts that are too far beyond our eyes. 

Sometimes we just need to pause and refocus on the view right in front of us. It’s not always easy- or where we want to be in the moment but maybe we’re in that moment for a reason. Maybe God has given us this view for a dose of perspective and pause…and when He thinks we’re ready, we can see beyond. 

But for now…this is OUR view. And it’s beautiful. And painful. And bitter sweet, and a blessing, and Ours.  

every single day. 

a little grace is all we need.  

I couldn’t sleep last night. 

I tossed and turned as thoughts blurred together.

This happens every few months and the thoughts are always random.

Would my alarm go off? 

Am I failing as a homemaker? 

Why do I hate shaving my legs?

Why are people so fixated on Reality TV stars personal lives? 

Why don’t I believe every inch of me is perfect from the bottom to the top? 

Do I snore?

And I just tossed and turned.

I woke up before my alarm. 

It was dark and grey outside. 

As I got dressed in the dark to workout, my day was already starting with splotches of dark spots. 

Because I hadn’t slept, every thing seemed a little too bleak. 

It wasn’t just me. Every person I’ve talked to and prayed for was having that kind of Monday. 

Too much heavy stuff. 

Too much second guessing. 

And I carry the burdens when my kids are hurting and some days are just hard. 

My kids kept fighting. 

All I wanted to do was climb back in bed. 

But I can’t. 

Because I choose to not be that person anymore. I choose to not hide from the sadness. 

So I felt it. And I felt tired. But I also did things. 

And prayed for people. And checked in on people. 

And sat in the car and watched it rain. Stared at the blurry drops that rested on the window.

What is it about some days? What is it that makes good days so good? And some days filled with little splotches of heart ache? 

But today I thought a lot about the good that can come from not letting all the other blotchy little dark spots define it. 

I wanted to–

Because that would make it easier. 

But it wouldn’t make it better. 

And 

Worry won’t make it better. 

Today I received an affirmation from a friend who had no idea what my day had shaped up to be. She had no idea how powerful her words were.

And she spoke truth and evaporated some dark spots with kindness. 

And I realized that dark splotches aren’t permanent. 

They aren’t stains- they’re temporary. 

They just rest on the surface. 

And sometimes all we need is to hear kindness. 

Some prayer. 

And to stand outside, and tilt my face into the  rain. 

So I did that. 

Tomorrow is a new day. 

Today I wanted to climb back in bed. But instead I stood in the rain. 

And was willing to seek out the good, even with the dark spots. 

Happy Monday.  

Today is a tricky day- because I know how many people miss their Mothers or have that longing deep with in their being because they are Mothers, but haven’t had the blessing of children yet. Today can hurt and be another painful reminder. 

But I want you to know that your value and life is a gift. And my prayer for you is today you find grace and hope, and that God brings you love this year. 

“Hope Never a Disappoints.” -Romans 5:5 

Today was a good day. I felt honored but mostly just felt God moving and working, and reminding me of His hope. 

Because of that, I will just leave you with a little of my Daniel. I love him so much. His heart for God, and his absolute zest for life is such an inspiration. He told me one day he believes he will die for his faith, and I believe he will. The kid was born to me, but he has always belonged to God.  

He reminds me everyday that God keeps his promises and loves us. 

I hope to be half the Mom he deserves and am so proud of my beautiful boy. And proud to be Mom of all of my kids- here and in heaven. 

The teenager: Mom I think my team lost their spirit. 

It has been a hard season.

We switched leagues. 

We lost players.

We’ve dealt with injuries. A lot of them.

Kids have moved.

They are the nicest boys you’ll ever meet. 

They are the kind of kids that check on a player from the other team when they’re hurt. 

They don’t leave until the field is totally clean. 

They love their coach. 

They are all heart. 

And that’s hard because baseball is the kind of game that will break your heart. 

So tonight the teenager asked how he could help them get their spirit back. He loves the game. He loves his team. 

Tonight he pitched. I felt my entire body tense the entire inning. He did well, I was so nervous for him, but he doesn’t pitch often and really wasn’t confident. But I saw his face…and even with everything racing through his head he looked so happy. Like my little boy. Again. 

I didn’t have an answer right away…but when I did…

I told him- just keep cheering. Keep believing in them. Remember why you love the game. 

Remember that feeling of playing at dusk and never wanting to stop running the bases. Remember that feeling of dust on your arms. Playing catch first thing in the morning. The amazing risk to run and the exhilaration to hear the word “SAFE.” Remember that winning doesn’t make you a baseball player. Playing your heart out makes you a baseball player. 

Some seasons we win a lot. Some seasons we lose a lot. But the spirit can shine through everything. No matter what…that’s what keeps us playing. 

So here’s to the fans- who show up even when it’s a hard season.

Fair Weather Fans have and will always suck. 

Here’s to the boys with casts that cheer from the dug out. 

Here’s to playing ball with your best friends.  

 Here’s to a team full of good kids, with amazing hearts, who just needed to be reminded its never been about Home Runs and Winning. But it’s always been about their Spirit. 

(Joyful Mysteries Note: I feel so incredibly honored that those who read this blog are not just women, but men. Why? Because real happens to all of us. That’s why I’m so blessed that an old friend Chris is writing today. Back in the day, we did Youth Ministry together, he played poker with Dyp when we were young parents a million years ago. We’ve stayed friends through transitions and parenting, and living states a apart. Thank you Chris for sharing your real, and being my First Male Guest Blogger!) 

To me, it seems like we are all living in an increasingly dark world.  Whether we are considering the current events across the globe or those close to home it is hard to escape the darkness of beheadings, riots, abductions, etc.  We see accounts of people being beaten while others stand idly by recording these events but doing very little to stop them.  We tune into the media and hear pundits spewing vitriolic comments back and forth but sharing very few ideas that will actually move our society in a positive direction.

Several years ago, my former wife and I decided that it was time to move forward with our lives, separately.  We divorced.  We did so amicably and to do this day we maintain a relationship as co-parents.  We are both equally involved in the lives of our children.  We share custody 50/50 as well as the costs associated with raising two young kids.  

When this all began my son was young, still in diapers.  The transition was difficult for all of us but we all approached our new reality  gracefully.  This could have been a period of deep darkness for myself and my kids but we all fought against that.  It wasn’t easy, and it took me awhile to get on my feet, but I did.  I still struggle with many of the domestic aspects of being a single parent, such as keeping a clean house consistently, keeping up with their schedules, and providing a healthy meal (we are eating out a little too much lately).  

People questioned my ability to be a single father (50% of the time).  Some said I should have my kids less, that as young as they were they should be with their “mommy” more.  I said bullshit.  I’m their Dad, they need me just as much.  Ideally this wouldn’t be happening but this was my reality, their reality, and her reality.  

Growing up, I had my heroes.  The Michael Jordans and Ken Griffey Juniors of the world.  I also had a hero close to home, my Dad.  My Dad and I have always pretty much understood each other.  With age, the sports stars and celebs of now have lost their luster.  They are just people.  My Dad however is still my Dad and still very much my Hero.  

Perhaps that is why I did not run from my responsibility as a father.  I recognized that I am my kids’ hero.  Iron Man is a close second with my little guy but I’m still in the lead.  Its my job to inspire and encourage these two young souls to live life without fear and in the light.  I am tested frequently, there are many times that I look at our custody schedule and sigh in relief when I realize I have a free weekend coming up.  But inevitably I miss them the entire time they are with their Mom.   

My REAL consists of packing lunches, folding laundry, trips to the park when I am tired, and all of the wonderfully mundane things that go with parenthood.  And watching my son hit a ball, and listening to my daughter pray, and seeing them dance without a care in the world, and so many other awesome things that I couldn’t imagine missing.

When this new reality began for me, I made a conscious decision to tune out as much of the darkness as I could.  I no longer watch the news.  I get my news via other sources and I am aware of the darkness in the world but I don’t let it consume me.  It’s out there, I know it, I am aware of it, but I do not fear it.  

I also recently made a conscious decision to reconnect with my roots as an outdoorsman.  Growing up I spent a ton of time outdoors with my Dad and other strong male role models in my life.  After years and years of not hiking, camping, or exploring nature I decided to just make the time.  Now I regularly disconnect from the modern world and spend time in the great outdoors both on my own and with my kids.  We hike, we camp, we fish, but most importantly we bond and we learn about ourselves and each other.  It was those times as a kid myself that my Dad grew to become my hero and all of the other distractions would fade away.

For myself, my time spent alone kayaking a marshland or camping in the forest, is somewhat akin to therapy.  By disconnecting I am afforded the mental opportunity to observe God’s Creation and listen to his voice in the wind.  I have time to be introspective and to sort through what really matters and what is just a distraction.  While I am in nature, both alone and with my kids, the darkness in the world is the last thing on my mind, I am much more concerned with what is in front of me, and it is truly beautiful

Inevitably I have to return to the real world though.  Recently, I was made aware of the darkness and it hit very close to home.  My kids’ Mom called me to chat about schedules.  I could tell she was a bit rattled and she said “Did you hear what happened?”  I said no.  She shared with me that one of our friends’ (not close but close enough) young son had been murdered in their home by a mentally ill boy who was staying at their house.  They woke up to find him dead.

It is times like these that I/We have the option to let this darkness creep into our lives.  We can feed it, much like a fire with fuel to burn, or we can acknowledge that it exists but refuse to let it rule us.  Ignoring it or pretending that the darkness in the world doesn’t exist is foolish, we must be aware of it and fight against it. 

The world is much like the forest.  There are things in the forest that can hurt us.  We can live in fear of snakes, poison ivy, the dark of the night, and bears.  Or we can be aware of those dangers and enter into the forest safely and marvel in God’s Creation.  I choose the later, and I know that my kids and I are better off for it

(Chris is the proud Dad of two pretty awesome and adventurous kids.  A Certified Arborist by trade, he spends a lot of time in the great outdoors with his kids.  Chris is an amateur videographer and photographer.  He also blogs periodically on a variety of outdoor related topics on outwestwithchris.com)

I’m in a Book Club.

There are only two members. 

One is 36, one is 13. 

He picked the first book. 

“Drums, Girls, and Dangerous Pie” by Jordan Sonnenblick. 

It’s amazing. It’s the story of an 8th grade boy…it is the kind of story that hurts to read, but is so worth reading. Because it deals with real life stuff- and reminds us that Middle Schoolers aren’t exempt from grief or heartache. 

It’s the age where we really realize our parents aren’t perfect, that they can’t solve everything, and that really unfair things can happen to the nicest people…It’s the age of life where being uncomfortable in your skin comes and rests for a while. Where you are growing and changing and somedays you can tease back, and other days the teasing hurts your feelings. And you have no idea why. 

It’s the age where you want to be seen. But sometimes just want to be invisible. 

I love my book club. 

I love my teenager. 

I embarrassed him a lot last week, but he came into my room after he’d finished and told me to read our first book. 

“I can’t wait to talk about it Mom.” 

I didn’t cry when I read the book. But I did cry after he said that. 

I’m in a book club. 

  
Ps. If you have a teenage boy- this is Great book! 

I am saving the photos sent to me today…why? Because NOTHING about today went as planned. 

Today was one of those days where I saw how  the ugly of people- can impact beautiful people. I am always shocked at how ugly money can make people. How ugly sin is. How ugly mean is. How ugly evil is. 

And it is unfair. 

Yep. I said it. 

And yep I know life isn’t fair, but sometimes it should be! 

And because I am incredibly addicted to Vitamin D and Diet Dr Pepper and had neither today I felt sleepy, and sad, and also had the mild urge to either sing some good music OR punch someone in the junk. 

Yep it was THAT Wednesday. 

And then at work as I was leaning over to grab some paper work- someone fart right in my face. Like in my face. Full on- farted on me. 

So there you go. 

No Filter. God is Good. Happy Wednesday. 

Someone farted in my face. 

Recently I was at a staff meeting at work, and my boss gave us a hand out. We all wrote down about a dream we had, and fears that kept us from our dreams, and all the things we needed to do to accomplish our dream. It wasn’t one we had to share. So I didn’t. But other people did. They ranged from finishing their house, to getting a dog. Mine I kept private. 

Why? Because I still don’t know if it will ever happen. If it’s meant to happen. 

I’m not even ready to share it with you. 

But what was most apparent for me, was that the fear that keeps me from even trying is so incredibly powerful. 

The last few week were weeks of life changing moments- true things that have seeped into my heart and stayed there…I have sat more in the past few weeks in prayer and awe about these things than I have spent doing laundry. But as I continue on this revolution I’m realizing that this “becoming real” is so much more life transforming than I had ever imagined. 

I’ll give you two examples. 

The first was the incredible works of the Holy Spirit that I saw at the women’s retreat I recently spoke at. From bible verses to even the testimonies lining up with my talks- it was incredible how intentionally God spoke. And spoke deeply into hearts. Including mine. I still can’t get over the amazing presence of God to those who were so desperate and needing his grace. Who was calling them out individually. 

Our God is a God of Miracles. He shines light on the shadows we create around us. That weekend he put me right where I was meant to be so I could see what He can do. Not what I can do. What He does. 

The second was a conversation recently I had with my dear friend April. Our relationship is comfortable and we are real with each other. And she called me on a very intimate part of who I am- a part I have been real with her about. My own self image. For the past year I have been turning from my shadow as I have struggled with my reflection in the mirror. It is powerful and scary. And she called me on it.  And shined light on it- and instantly bathed in light I really looked at myself. And I really thought about how incredibly dehibilitating that line of thinking and self worth stealing it is. And how for years I have allowed myself to buy into that as my view of my worthiness- as a wife, as mother, and as a friend. 

I have carried that heaviness around my heart for years. 

And through these two events I really looked into my heart and my life and saw how incredibly insecure I am. I feel inadequate. And though I know I am speaking the real, I am afraid. I am afraid that my inadequacy will speak a different truth…

“You are not good enough.” 

“You aren’t getting it right.” 

“Who would listen to you?” 

But like my sister says…fear is a liar. 

So, I am choosing to follow through with this revolution of real– and speak the words that my God has given me even as I continue to work through the shadows I have hidden from. Because if God could show himself in such a powerful way on a weekend in April- what could He do if we all stop turning away from our own shadows? 

We turn.

 We face them. 

Not tomorrow. Not next year.

Today. 

May 5. 

Because Shit just got real. 

And we will say…

“No, I won’t be bound by this sin of regret. I will apologize and become the new creation I was called to be.” 

“I won’t be consumed by my own shame. I will face and look at my life, and reach for God but not rest in shame.” 

“I will not allow anger or judgement to turn me into a hateful, spiteful person. Instead I will transform my heart into a new creation. 

“I will stop being a victim to the scale or my size. I will stop using exercise or food, as a way to harm myself.” 

“I will not apologize for taking care of myself. I will not apologize for setting limits. I will not apologize for saying No.” 

“I will love people enough to not use words to degrade others. I will stop using the R word- and calling people names. I will love people like God is calling me to and I will not allow my tongue to use words of hurt even unintentionally.” 

“I will be present. In my faith. To my family. Even when it’s uncomfortable. Especially when It’s  incomfortable.” 

When I started this Revolution of Real on January 1- I had no idea where it would go. If anyone would even read it. But what I’ve realized if I give Him the Glory- and I don’t get it right even half the time – God will still work. 

May 5. Today. I faced my shadow.  

Because I’m not ready to face the Real of my post I started today- instead I’ll fall back on what I love. 

Star Wars. 

Our family loves Star Wars. 

We can’t wait for the new movie to come out in December.  And while that makes me seem shallow today, I love that it’s a movie where good ultimately beats evil. 

And where the “Princess” kicks ass. 

So from my real to yours…

May the Fourth Be with You.