Recently I was at a staff meeting at work, and my boss gave us a hand out. We all wrote down about a dream we had, and fears that kept us from our dreams, and all the things we needed to do to accomplish our dream. It wasn’t one we had to share. So I didn’t. But other people did. They ranged from finishing their house, to getting a dog. Mine I kept private. 

Why? Because I still don’t know if it will ever happen. If it’s meant to happen. 

I’m not even ready to share it with you. 

But what was most apparent for me, was that the fear that keeps me from even trying is so incredibly powerful. 

The last few week were weeks of life changing moments- true things that have seeped into my heart and stayed there…I have sat more in the past few weeks in prayer and awe about these things than I have spent doing laundry. But as I continue on this revolution I’m realizing that this “becoming real” is so much more life transforming than I had ever imagined. 

I’ll give you two examples. 

The first was the incredible works of the Holy Spirit that I saw at the women’s retreat I recently spoke at. From bible verses to even the testimonies lining up with my talks- it was incredible how intentionally God spoke. And spoke deeply into hearts. Including mine. I still can’t get over the amazing presence of God to those who were so desperate and needing his grace. Who was calling them out individually. 

Our God is a God of Miracles. He shines light on the shadows we create around us. That weekend he put me right where I was meant to be so I could see what He can do. Not what I can do. What He does. 

The second was a conversation recently I had with my dear friend April. Our relationship is comfortable and we are real with each other. And she called me on a very intimate part of who I am- a part I have been real with her about. My own self image. For the past year I have been turning from my shadow as I have struggled with my reflection in the mirror. It is powerful and scary. And she called me on it.  And shined light on it- and instantly bathed in light I really looked at myself. And I really thought about how incredibly dehibilitating that line of thinking and self worth stealing it is. And how for years I have allowed myself to buy into that as my view of my worthiness- as a wife, as mother, and as a friend. 

I have carried that heaviness around my heart for years. 

And through these two events I really looked into my heart and my life and saw how incredibly insecure I am. I feel inadequate. And though I know I am speaking the real, I am afraid. I am afraid that my inadequacy will speak a different truth…

“You are not good enough.” 

“You aren’t getting it right.” 

“Who would listen to you?” 

But like my sister says…fear is a liar. 

So, I am choosing to follow through with this revolution of real– and speak the words that my God has given me even as I continue to work through the shadows I have hidden from. Because if God could show himself in such a powerful way on a weekend in April- what could He do if we all stop turning away from our own shadows? 

We turn.

 We face them. 

Not tomorrow. Not next year.

Today. 

May 5. 

Because Shit just got real. 

And we will say…

“No, I won’t be bound by this sin of regret. I will apologize and become the new creation I was called to be.” 

“I won’t be consumed by my own shame. I will face and look at my life, and reach for God but not rest in shame.” 

“I will not allow anger or judgement to turn me into a hateful, spiteful person. Instead I will transform my heart into a new creation. 

“I will stop being a victim to the scale or my size. I will stop using exercise or food, as a way to harm myself.” 

“I will not apologize for taking care of myself. I will not apologize for setting limits. I will not apologize for saying No.” 

“I will love people enough to not use words to degrade others. I will stop using the R word- and calling people names. I will love people like God is calling me to and I will not allow my tongue to use words of hurt even unintentionally.” 

“I will be present. In my faith. To my family. Even when it’s uncomfortable. Especially when It’s  incomfortable.” 

When I started this Revolution of Real on January 1- I had no idea where it would go. If anyone would even read it. But what I’ve realized if I give Him the Glory- and I don’t get it right even half the time – God will still work. 

May 5. Today. I faced my shadow.