My Joyful Mysteries, and A Revolution of Real

The parenting game has been difficult the past 24 hours. 

Every single one of my kids has cried at one point. 

I’ve cried harder. 

I have thought multiple times…I have failed. 

Them. This. 

Puberty sucks. 

Raising Men is hard. 

I hate having my daughter away from me and not knowing how she’s doing everyday. 

All of it is…

Totally Freakishly difficult…and this world is cruel and stupid, and keeps pushing against what we’ve taught them. 

I spent most of the night thinking and worrying. 

Even though I know the Truth.

 I have to trust God. 

He’s not a pick off the pedals…he loves me, he loves me not God. He’s an All- In sort of God. 

So…I need to trust Him. 

And be here. For Them. 

I have to remember that they will make mistakes. 

And I will continue to make them too. 

But we will pray with them, and be there, and love them because we aren’t pick off pedals sort of parents. We are All- In Parents. 

But currently, I’m not winning at parenting… So of course Micah just asked in the car how babies are made. 

Shit. 

Hannah. 

You came on a Saturday. 

We had been waiting months and months for your debut- and the day you decided to come was on a Saturday. 

I was 13. 

You were so small.  

 You were the first Baby I ever held for longer than a minute. 

I was madly in love with you. 

You had colic and let us know anytime any strap, button, was uncomfortable. 

You had the best drooly smile, and an even better scowl. 

As you grew you had a magical way about you. You were all limbs and could transform an entire backyard into a puppy palace, waving your arms around you as you’d  spin.

I could play with you and Kaitlin for hours because you both made everything fun. And while you were jealous of my Barbie swimming skills- you two were the best thing about Middle School and High School for me. When I came home and I was with you two I could just been myself.  

 With you, I was always just fine as I was. 

You’re naturally athletic, and you love to finish anyone’s food they haven’t eaten. You are the prettiest grazer I’ve ever met. 

You were an outstanding writer from a young age. You still are. Even if you aren’t writing you know how to put words together in the most beautiful way. 

You appreciate good humor…your laugh is so Hannah and I love it.  

 Your vast knowledge of shows from Disney Channel to HBO is incredible. And I know,  you can always quote a movie with me. And you love Michael Scott just as much as I do. 

You love Bon Jovi too. 

You are smart and articulate, and soft spoken and thoughtful. 

It’s funny how the one person who wore her scream for her first year on her chest, is also the person who is the most introverted and is known to hide her feelings deep in her heart. I’m thankful you journal, and I know how much it takes for you to open up at times. Thank you for being brave with me, even on the hard days.  

 You are deeply faithful- to your friends, to our family. You make time with little sleep to be there for people. You remember birthdays and are so good about making people feel loved. 

I love that you are a nurse. I love that you chose a profession where you can use your quiet strength, and your tremendous love. You won’t hear it enough, but you are a gift to your patients.  To your coworkers. 

You are a gift to all of us. 

I hope you know how very much I love you. How even when it’s sporadic that we get to talk or see each other that you mean the world to me. And I always want you on my kick ball or wiffle ball team. 

You are my favorite Hannah in the whole world.  

Happy Birthday. 💓

I’m pretty sure given the choice today my kids would trade me in…

For a new model. Less scratches. Maybe not as many dents. 

They fought a lot today. 

They wanted to have a nerf battle, but someone got hurt. And then someone else got hurt. 

And everyone was mad. 

And I was just tired. 

And a little impatient. Then a lot. 

But they kept me. Maybe because I have character- maybe because I’m soft and comfortable. 

Maybe because I’ve never wanted to trade them in. 

I wanted to keep them. Because I don’t think any trade would be as valuable or beautiful as they are. 

Even if they hog the bed. 

I love every scrape, dent, inch of their little souls.  

She was the only girl. 

Again. 

She usually is. 

There were 14 boys. And Grace. 

She wasn’t worried. She dressed as fancy as she wanted. 
They started a huge nerf war and she walked right in the middle and plopped down. 

She put on a pair of sunglasses as little orange things flew around her. 

And there she sat, cool as a cucumber. 

She looked at me…and all I could think was 

Amazing. 

This girl is about the coolest little chick I’ve ever met. 

“Even if the forces of darkness appear to prevail, those who believe in God know that evil and death do not have the final say. “- Saint (Pope) John Paul II (on September 12, 2001) 

Never Forget. Pray. Remember that God always has the last word.

Amen. 

The world lay dreaming…As monsters planned. 

I was 8 months pregnant with my first child.

 A son. 

I had spent months looking through books about child rearing, and was terrified of whooping cough and colic. 

But the real monsters were planning. 

As I lay on my side that night I had no idea that the next morning my biggest fears for my child would board a plane and bring terror into my world. 

The night before the silence was deafening as the world stood and watched. As people would remember exactly what they were doing…what they felt. 

I had so many ideas on how I would be a parent, but this was the last night I wasn’t afraid of bringing my child in the world. 

The next day everything changed. 

I will never forget the day of, or the night before. 

Never forget. 

God bless America. 

Have mercy on us all.  

1 month ago. 

He didn’t realize it. He didn’t even notice. But what he said hit me. What he said reached deep down and rang with in my heart. It was my teenager. We sat and talked in the darkened kitchen just the two of us. We do that often. He opens up and I listen. He asks me questions, and I answer honestly. I told him that it’s hard for me to find balance sometimes…that I get caught in the in between of what people expect and saying yes to please…only to just want to spend time being with my family. I told him how hard it was missing things, how much I miss them. 

My family. 

And he said “well, why not Mom? Why can’t you just stop? You know what you want…you just said.” 

And I did. My wanting to please, and wanting to not inconvenience anyone was taking away from my longing for right here. Right now. Why couldn’t I just be brave and do what was right for my family?! 

It was a freeing moment there in the dark. And yet, like all decisions I usually make took me a lot of thought. But I did it. I set a boundary. I stuck with it. I chose the right here, right now.

 I chose them. 

3 weeks ago. 

I had a doctor appointment. Finally…finally answers came. Real concrete answers after a year and a half of not feeling well. I left emptied out- with a folder full of information. I cried the rest of the day. I was sad and scared. I wondered why it took so long, how it could have gotten so bad. 

And then I realized that now I could get better. They say it may take a year, but in a year I could feel well again.  That finally I could feel like myself. 

Finally. 

2 weeks ago. 

It was another conversation. With a trusted friend. I was sharing about how much I worry about my daughter. How every year the main thing on her report card is that she doesn’t stick up for herself. That she will allow people to treat her a certain way because she loves them…and then my friend turned it around on me. They said “she gets that from you.” 

I wanted to rebuff that. I wanted to protest. But it was a moment of clarity…I DO that. I have dealt with passive aggressive, hurtful for longer than I care to admit because I loved someone. I have stuck around even when someone doesn’t take the time to be there or want to be there, even after leaving feeling completely hurt and dejected. 

It was a real defining moment. 

Completely real-raw clarity. 

I won’t be that example. I may always love someone but I won’t feel that way again. Not anymore. 

I am worth being valued. 

1 week ago. 

My niece came to watch me sing. I adore her. She and I have always shared a love of music. She is a phenomenal talent. But her listening didn’t matter as much as her words to me… Later. 

She texted me that she was so proud to know me. That I was a Mom of four, but was also doing something I loved…for myself. She said I was an inspiration to her and to my kids. That I showed them it was okay for me to do things for myself while still loving them completely. 

I’ve read her words over and over. They meant so much. 

Today. 

I thought about how much clarity can come in one month. How sometimes answers can trickle in and while the questions and uncertainty may continue- some pieces can make sense. 

The mind, body, and spirit pieces. 

For many years I’ve just taken care of one of those pieces because I didn’t think I was worth it to take the time for the others. I felt if I took care of everyone else’s mind, body, and spirits it would suffice. 

But today I know otherwise. 

Today I know…

I am worth setting boundaries for. 

I will never regret choosing them…family. 

My health is important and never again will I take a blanket answer, I will trust myself when something is wrong and I will keep asking questions. I will never take my health for granted. 

I am worth finding answers for. I finally get that. 

I am worth being valued. In friendships, and in life. I will not feel like an inconvenience in relationships. 

It’s ok to do things for me. It’s not selfish to have things I love. 

And it’s good for my kids to see me living. And I’ve realized my husband has and will always be my biggest fan. 

That has been the biggest moment of clarity in the past month, but even year…showing my kids how important it is to fight for happiness, health, and life. 

Life will always be hard. 

Bad things will always happens. 

And yet…

God is so very good. 

It’s amazing how much can happen in a month. 

First grade is a big deal. 

Tomorrow is First Grade. 

She tells me she can’t wait- and I hug her tight. 

I know this will be harder on me than her. 

So many people have said “you’ll finally have time to finish stuff! You’ll have time to yourself.” 

But I don’t want that sort of time. 

I want more time. 

This growing up is happening too fast. 

I don’t want more time to myself. 

Maybe I am different. 

 Maybe my kids are different. 

The way I like having them near. Even this morning when they were fighting…they were in my house. Close by. That is sacred to me 

I feel judged because of how much I like my kids. How much I don’t want a vacation away…I’ve never celebrated them starting school. 

 I miss them when they are gone. 

I don’t miss carpool, I don’t miss busy, I don’t miss being over scheduled. 

I. Miss. Them.

She is excited. 

But she is nervous. 

She has slept in our bed every night the past week. 

She has held my hand a little longer. 

She has asked me to read one more book. 

And I have. 

Just a couple more minutes Lord. Please. 

Because there is plenty of time for them to grow up…

But there is not enough time of them being little. 

I need more time. 

(Joyful Mysteries Note: Two weeks ago, my brother in law Justin’s oldest and best friend Josh passed away. He was 33. He was many things– a stand out basketball star- a local legend, but he was so much more. He was a good husband, a father of two young boys, and someone Everyone wanted to know. Justin spoke at both of his memorial services and is sharing his beautiful real speech on the blog today. I think it’s poignant that Justin shared this, because Justin is an incredible man of integrity. He came into my sister Erin’s life like a force- her own knight in shining armor and is a man of his word.  He is a good father, he is the guy who will always help without being asked, he works hard, and he loves my sister so damn much. They have five daughters and have vowed because they don’t have sons to always be there for Josh’s two. And they will. I just want to thank you Justin for sharing your real, your raw with us, but also I want to thank you for being a part of our family. I love you so much. I know Josh would be so honored by your words. I’m so sorry this is your real- but life and death will never change the bond you had. 

My Real 

In remembrance of Josh James Williams. 

December 30, 1981- August 21, 2015 

  (Josh with our youngest Daughter Ella Mae.) 

First of all I want to say I’m incredibly honored to have been asked to share a little about my best friend Josh. My First Friend…. I also want to say that I hate that I have to stand up here today to talk about Josh without him here.

He should be here.

So Instead of talking to you…I’m going to talk to him- Like he’s here…

Josh…

Not many people can say they have been friends their entire life but I can. Three years Old. Preschool.

“Remember when I used to steal your trike?” I think we’ve said that to each other everytime we’ve seen each other.

I remember…

I remember how you were already a legend at 3. Picked up a ball and began to play.

But you weren’t a legend to me, you were my friend.

Boys becoming teenagers… how I was trying to learn to drive a stick and kept stalling my car and you just chuckled and told me, “boy you better learn how to drive.” Driving up a hill was like the longest drive with you, I kept killing the car and you would not stop laughing…

Your laugh was larger than life.

You broke my grandma’s couch. You sat down and broke her couch literally in half. She was so mad, she never got over it. But that was the funniest thing ever you on the couch broken with her yelling at both of us.

I grew up in a world where I was both too white to be black and too black to be white. But you never cared.

I was just Ganz and you were just Josh.

I still remember the day your dad cut my hair I was so proud. My Grandma she’s an old school white lady she had no idea how to cut a black kids hair. And while the Afro Puff was sick. I felt so taken care of. You sat there looking like a proud dad watching his kid get his first cut, we were feeling ourselves that day with them fresh cuts.

I was a trouble maker, trying to find myself trying to Mike Tyson my way through life. You never judged me. I never played ball. And you never cared.

I was in a dark place… and you held up the light. When my mom died I told you everything and you would just listen. When your mom died I would just listen. Man you loved her and she was so proud of her boy.

Time would pass, weeks and months would go by and we wouldn’t talk. And then when we would it was if there were no seconds between us… We would be back to just us again. Every time you flew into Seattle you always took a red eye and I would always be the one to pick you up regardless of the time or what time I had to work, but damn those flights, I’d ask you, “Can you just fly at a normal time? And you’d laugh… and say “boy you know you gonna pick me up no matter what” and chuckle….

And I was there no matter what… I was there…

Because anytime I was with you was important. Day or night.

You took my grandmas minivan and rolled it to visit Jaamela for her birthday. You were gone for a week, driving around in beat up minivan with the seat so far back just like you always drove. You came back and told Erin and I you were gonna marry her, Erin and I both laughed. But sure enough… she became your queen that day and Roy became your son.

Most people would probably ask 1) why would Jaameela would even like him after he showed up in a minivan. And 2) how could they have known so fast that they were meant for one another?

Because this…

You came back not Josh anymore…

You and Jaameela were soul mates. The way you looked at her was like a light shining so bright people wanted to look away, but they couldn’t. The better kind of love that makes people better. The way her eyes danced when she looked at you. The way you loved when you were with her and the boys. There was no question. Little Roy became your son. You loved him and your hearts instantly were linked and you were so proud of him. You knew it was a package deal and man you got the best part of that deal you got a wife and your first son. Then you were blessed with another son Lil Josh and he is a spitting image of you carrying on your legacy. He looks like you… walks like you and is mannered just like you…

Jameela believed you were worth every breath like most of us… and you were.

Lots of different things have been said the past week about you… Legend…A jolly Giant… Athletic… kind… loving….

All of those things are true… But let me say one thing you taught me. Gratefulness. You were grateful for every gift you were given. You never wasted a second, every minute of every day. You were grateful. SO grateful. You never took anything for granted.

And those of us that loved you. We didn’t take you for granted. Because you were… good… you were one of the best men I’ve ever known.

I never told you that. I never told you I wanted to a better man, husband father… because of you…

You’re worth Josh was more than any person I’ve ever known. As a father, husband, son, brother and friend.

You are worth it. Here and in Heaven.

I promise to be there for you family. Erin and I stand with them day and night, because YOU ARE WORTH IT. And so are they.

  (I’m always gonna be there for your boys.) 

I promise to be a good example to my family. To love Erin and our girls. I promise to be grateful and never take anything for granted… You taught me that.

And I promise I will never have another friend like you.

I love you my dude… I will miss you every day for the rest of my life.

 
(Justin is many things: a hard worker, a fantasy football fanatic, a Duck fan…but his greatest gift is Erin and their five girls. He is the most loyal guy you’ll ever meet. He is also his niece Grace’s favorite.) 

“Nearly all men can stand adversity, but if you want to test a man’s character, give him power.” -Abraham Lincoln

Take heed- people in leadership. 

That Abe Lincoln…he knew his shit.  
 Good leaders stand at the bottom of the stairs and look up at the possibilities. When you stand at the top and look down you can’t see the people you started with.