1 month ago. 

He didn’t realize it. He didn’t even notice. But what he said hit me. What he said reached deep down and rang with in my heart. It was my teenager. We sat and talked in the darkened kitchen just the two of us. We do that often. He opens up and I listen. He asks me questions, and I answer honestly. I told him that it’s hard for me to find balance sometimes…that I get caught in the in between of what people expect and saying yes to please…only to just want to spend time being with my family. I told him how hard it was missing things, how much I miss them. 

My family. 

And he said “well, why not Mom? Why can’t you just stop? You know what you want…you just said.” 

And I did. My wanting to please, and wanting to not inconvenience anyone was taking away from my longing for right here. Right now. Why couldn’t I just be brave and do what was right for my family?! 

It was a freeing moment there in the dark. And yet, like all decisions I usually make took me a lot of thought. But I did it. I set a boundary. I stuck with it. I chose the right here, right now.

 I chose them. 

3 weeks ago. 

I had a doctor appointment. Finally…finally answers came. Real concrete answers after a year and a half of not feeling well. I left emptied out- with a folder full of information. I cried the rest of the day. I was sad and scared. I wondered why it took so long, how it could have gotten so bad. 

And then I realized that now I could get better. They say it may take a year, but in a year I could feel well again.  That finally I could feel like myself. 

Finally. 

2 weeks ago. 

It was another conversation. With a trusted friend. I was sharing about how much I worry about my daughter. How every year the main thing on her report card is that she doesn’t stick up for herself. That she will allow people to treat her a certain way because she loves them…and then my friend turned it around on me. They said “she gets that from you.” 

I wanted to rebuff that. I wanted to protest. But it was a moment of clarity…I DO that. I have dealt with passive aggressive, hurtful for longer than I care to admit because I loved someone. I have stuck around even when someone doesn’t take the time to be there or want to be there, even after leaving feeling completely hurt and dejected. 

It was a real defining moment. 

Completely real-raw clarity. 

I won’t be that example. I may always love someone but I won’t feel that way again. Not anymore. 

I am worth being valued. 

1 week ago. 

My niece came to watch me sing. I adore her. She and I have always shared a love of music. She is a phenomenal talent. But her listening didn’t matter as much as her words to me… Later. 

She texted me that she was so proud to know me. That I was a Mom of four, but was also doing something I loved…for myself. She said I was an inspiration to her and to my kids. That I showed them it was okay for me to do things for myself while still loving them completely. 

I’ve read her words over and over. They meant so much. 

Today. 

I thought about how much clarity can come in one month. How sometimes answers can trickle in and while the questions and uncertainty may continue- some pieces can make sense. 

The mind, body, and spirit pieces. 

For many years I’ve just taken care of one of those pieces because I didn’t think I was worth it to take the time for the others. I felt if I took care of everyone else’s mind, body, and spirits it would suffice. 

But today I know otherwise. 

Today I know…

I am worth setting boundaries for. 

I will never regret choosing them…family. 

My health is important and never again will I take a blanket answer, I will trust myself when something is wrong and I will keep asking questions. I will never take my health for granted. 

I am worth finding answers for. I finally get that. 

I am worth being valued. In friendships, and in life. I will not feel like an inconvenience in relationships. 

It’s ok to do things for me. It’s not selfish to have things I love. 

And it’s good for my kids to see me living. And I’ve realized my husband has and will always be my biggest fan. 

That has been the biggest moment of clarity in the past month, but even year…showing my kids how important it is to fight for happiness, health, and life. 

Life will always be hard. 

Bad things will always happens. 

And yet…

God is so very good. 

It’s amazing how much can happen in a month.