My Joyful Mysteries, and A Revolution of Real

The day before. 

Before the feast of the Passover, Jesus knew that his hour had come to pass from this world to the Father. He loved his own in the world and he loved them to the end. -John 13: 1

I will rise from supper, and take off my outer garment. I hold a towel and tie it around my waist. 

I will wash your feet. I will kneel before you, and wash your feet. 

It is a sign of honor. Reverance. Humility. 

Friendship. 

Love.

One of you does not understand.

“What I am doing, you do not understand now, but you will understand later.” I tell him.

I tell you I will suffer.

I take the bread and I bless it, I break it…

“This is my body, which will be given up for you; do this in memory of me.”

I do the same with the cup of wine after they have eaten…

“This is the covenant of my blood, which will be shed for you.” 

A covenant. A promise. 

We sit at a table. 

And he is there too. 

The one who will betray me. 

You argue about who it might be.

But I already know. I have washed his feet.

One will betray, and some will deny me. 

I have broken bread, before my body is broken. 

I have shared the cup, before my blood is spilled. 

And I have knelt at your feet. 

Long before I was born…it was foretold in Isaiah.

My entire life has led to this…years of prophecy…

To my Mother by a Man named Simeon in the temple…

“Behold, this child is destined for the fall and rise of many in Israel, and be a sign that will be contradicted(and you yourself a sword will pierce) so that the thoughts of many hearts will be revealed.” 

My entire life- a life in a world that wasn’t mine, but was surround by my people. People I loved. So deeply that I would give my all.

I have performed miracles. I have fasted. I have known this was coming. And soon I will be with my Father. 

The Passover. 

Washing the Feet. 

The Last Supper. 

The Agony

…it has begun. 

Verses used: John 13: 1. John 13:7 (washing of feet) Luke 22: 19-20 (last supper) Isaiah 53: 1- 12(the prophecy) Luke 3: 34-35

Today is a tricky day for many people I love, and it’s not because it’s April Fools Day. 

Because today resembles an Anniversary for a dear friend and her family. A day many are still shaken by from the loss of a Husband, Father, Son, and Friend. A loss that has layers and layers of grief and sadness. 

My friend, my dear friend, is strong, yes, but she’s also given so much to others in her grief. One of the ways is by not letting her grief turn her bitter. Instead She has leaned, and reached out, and allowed others to love her family. To love her. But she has also led others to believe in someone greater, to remember, and to be strong in your brokenness. She is real. And beautiful. And wicked Funny. There are no Filters to our friendship. 

Her faith is crazy strong. 

She can text me praise lyrics, but swear me under the table. 

I. Love. Her. 

Today I asked that people send me their favorite quotes.

I couldn’t just pick one. Sorry. 

“The Truth will set you Free. But First it will Piss you off.” – Gloria Steinman 

“God has not called me to be successful, but to be faithful.” -blessed Mother Teresa 

“They don’t know that we know, that they know…” -Phoebe 

Today, I wear plaid for my girls…

“Love All, Trust a Few, Do wrong to None.” -William Shakespeare 

“One person who cares, inspires everyone around them to care.” -Jon Gordon (The Carpenter) 

“All addictions are ultimately the discord of worship.” – Lisa Harper

Today on No Filter Wednesday I pray that we can all be a little more like my friend who Remembers the Good, Shows Bravery Through the Bad, and Loves through it All.

Each one of us in our lives will be given an ALL life altering event. 

It will change us. It will threaten to destroy us. 

This ALL is not what we asked for, it’s not what we prayed for…none of us understand what ALL will entail. But if only we could be a little more open to find God in every circumstance, and continue to strive to see Joy amidst grief…we can inspire. We can live. 

Thank you Dana, and D and R. 

Erik –you are loved and missed and remembered everyday. 

I’m tied in knots right now. 

Full of anxiety and worry. And I’m working really hard on letting go.

Let it go. If Elsa can do it, I can. 

I have to let go of things that are completely out of my control. 

And I have to trust that things will be okay. 

But the knots are tight. 

Because I don’t know…

It’s hard when we are on the outside of a situation but can be affected so incredibly by it. 

I’m not good at the not knowing. So I pray, and hope I somehow God can untangle my words, and hear me. 

There are a lot bigger problems in the world than mine, so I’ll let him untangle theirs first… But I will pray. 

We all have knots. 

Today I pray for our freedom from whatever is holding us back, tying us down…

Keeping us from trusting. 

From living. 

Knots. Sigh. Please Jesus.  

Untangle this worry and anxiety. Bring clarity. 

And peace. 

“To be commanded to love God at all, let alone in the wilderness, is like being commanded to be well when we are sick, to sing for joy when we are dying of thirst, to run when our legs are broken. But this is the first and great commandment none the less. Even in the wilderness- especially in the wilderness– you shall love Him.” -Fredrick Buechner

This will be short.

I don’t have a lot of time.

And I have a toothache. 

It feels like a toothache. It throbs like a toothache. 

But the dentist says it’s more than that, I’m clenching my teeth from stress, and it’s actually my jaw as well. 

Like a fist, coiled so tight that it made me think it was my tooth. 

It aches. 

Sometimes life…it aches. 

It doesn’t make sense, and We can’t comprehend how a good God could allow the bad to seep past. 

Life throbs. 

It hurts and we don’t understand. 

And sometimes all we can do is coil so tight within ourselves that we start forgetting who God is, and why we need to continue to share the aches with Him. 

Even when we don’t understand. 

This past week was a lonely week in my thoughts. 

The kind of week where a younger me would have made phone calls and tried to rectify relationships where I feel I’m not valued. 

That I wasn’t important enough to hear. 

That words weren’t valued enough to speak. 

I even realized that a big part of me seeks validation from God.

But I also seek validation from others. 

I want to be valued. In my home. In my family. In my friendships. 

And in the dark last night as my tooth ached I felt hot tears on my cheeks- as I realized that I don’t see a lot of value in me either sometimes. 

Like a toothache, that comes and goes and throbs…

I tell myself lots of things that aren’t pretty. 

I slowly pick away, and look at my faults. 

I think mean thoughts about my body. 

I think I may be failing at parenting. 

I feel insecure as a wife. 

And those are lies. 

I know I am valued, and I know there isn’t truth to all of it, but still I buy into it, worried that maybe just maybe a lot of those things that I think privately- those automatic negative thoughts might be what others see in me. 

How they see me. If they truly love me.

So, today toothache and all, I said all the things I love in order. Even though it throbs . And I started with the One who loves me, relentlessly, in all my good and bad. 

And I choose to Love Him in the Aches. Through the aches. 

And I’m going to work really hard at putting me on my list of things I love. Because I am loved and cherished in my home, and I know my friends love me. And I love them. 

I know even on the dark nights, when my worries and stress take from me– the people that love me always are willing to give more. 

With that sort of love and I can’t coil too tightly. Because there’s so much more to be given when our arms are open. 

And my God, oh how He loves us. 

Love Him. 

Today is the start of Holy Week. In our house it is the most solemn church week of the year…leading up to the greatest most joyful gift to Christianity…Easter. 

The Resurrection of our Jesus. 

It leaves a lot of time for reflection and pause. 

Real Reflection. 

Not your typical up at night what could possibly go wrong to my children ramblings. 

But the Real life Reflection of what Passion really is, what suffering real means, what sacrifice really stands for, and what healing and life resurrection brings. 

To us all. 

Maybe you’ve never really thought about salvation. 

Maybe you’ve never even heard that Passion and Suffering essentially mean the same thing. 

But maybe this is the year you should. 

Especially on Good Friday…

What if we all opened our Bibles at 12 on Friday and read the passion of the Christ, and sat in silence?  Not read it off our laptop or our phone. But cracked open the pages of your Bible…

We love options these days…so you have four. 

Matthew 26-27

Mark 14-15

Luke 22-23

John 18-19

Read one, and then sit in silence. No distractions. And let God speak into your heart. 

And do it again at 3 pm. 

And wait. 

And maybe you won’t feel anything. But Faith isn’t about feeling, it’s about believing, and God speaks. 

Into the stillness of our hearts. 

Into the aching of our souls. 

There is great sadness that Day, but BUT Sunday is coming. And allowing ourselves to pray and realize how incredible the word sacrifice and passion are…

For Us. 

It was all for us. 

Who will join me in prayer?…can you imagine how powerful our prayers will be from near and far, reflecting and loving our Jesus? 

Palm Sunday. 

The last Supper.

Agony in the Garden.

Betrayed by a Friend.

Scourging at the Pillar.

Carrying the Wooden Cross.

Crowning of Thorns.

Nailed to a Tree.

For us. 

It was all for us. 

Friday wherever you are 12 and 3… 

 Who is with me? 

One of those days, piggy backing on yesterday, which was piggy backing on the day before of lows…even though I didn’t wanna. I don’t do lows anymore.

Or so I thought. And hoped. 

So I did stuff. I worked out. We went to a garage sale. I went on a walk with my husband. We went to Church. We went to confession. 

But it lingered.

This feeling of lowness. I think it’s just the reality of trying to see ahead and not knowing, but having to trust. But I’ve walked this road of openness before. And it was incredibly hard. 

I don’t wanna be low today, but I was. And I just keep giving it to Him. 

“Here are my worries. Here are my sorrows. Here is my sadness. And here are my incredibly blessings…”

And I realized something today as I stood next to wooden church pews and looked at the ceiling…this whole healing, getting better, and allowing my life to be completely rebooted has also left me so incredibly vulnerable to the harsh realities of this life. 

Yes, you have found grace, but you will still have worries.

Yes, you have found your joy again, but you will still feel sorrow.

You are open, and the road is different this time…but you are still vulnerable. 

People will let you down. 

Finances will still be tight. 

Kids will still get sick. 

Your thighs will still rub together. 

And you will never ever, ever be caught up on laundry. 

So today I was low…and I called it like it was, I didn’t let it stop my day, and I kept the lowness in its place by choosing to hand it off to the One who even on my vulnerable days draws me closer. 

Pulls me tighter. 

And knows my heart…longs for Him. Even on one of those days. 

(Joyfulmysteries Note: We have been friends for over 20 years. She was my husbands friend first, and I spent many years in awe of her super awesomeness. Over the years our lives have intersected and in the past two years my calling and hers…from Canada to the US has become eerily similar. This call for More, to reach Women, and to share this great God. We have ministry Skype sessions, and I always give a great sigh afterwards as I realize I’m not alone in this call. She gets it. I am so thankful for her beautiful life. Thank you Heather for your real. Your words today spoke so much to my soul. God has so blessed us so much with your life!) 

I could see it coming from 1000 miles away. The place I could end up if I wasn’t careful. The place so many strong ones have gone before….never to return.  When I suddenly found myself questioning the things I thought I was most certain about, honestly, it freaked me out.  My daily prayer became, “God, please save me…from myself.”

I’ve been Catholic my whole life, and at 14 had an encounter with God that was so real and deep it forever changed the course of my life.  I knew He was real, and out of hundreds of people in the room that night, He saw me, chose me, and came for little old me.  Only He knew my story, a shy, broken girl who was paralyzed by fear.  He knew how much I needed Him and He rescued me from the dark and brought me into the light. 

I’ve been working in lay ministry in the Church for 21 years now and my faith has been a constant.  I have seen both tragedies and miracles and when hardships in life came, I was anchored in my trust of the One who could see me and who loved me.  So, how did I get here, to the point of questioning almost everything?

I think we all know those voices in our head that are at war against the voice of God and His plan for us.  They are like tapes replaying familiar songs full of twisted lies.  Things like… “you are never going to be good enough, you will always end up disappointed, you are unloveable, you can’t trust anyone, you are so ugly, you don’t really matter, you will never be safe.” Oh, so familiar.  

The problem with the tape is that it sounds so damn true!  In moments that you are aching or crying out, the enemy’s whispers lies that are chillingly “true” and the voice of God fades fast.  Usually we get so intoxicated with the lie and soon find ourselves a broken mess on the floor, taken out by the enemy again, wondering, “how did I get here???”. 

In the midst of this recurring battle, something I’ve realized is that precisely in those moments, when the enemy begins to whisper, I have a choice.  I’m back in the garden of Eden with two trees to choose from, life or death.  The lies have no power on their own, but if I choose to agree with them, well….then the assault begins.  

The enemy always fights dirty and lately he has come on strong, with an unrelenting assault on my heart.  The uncanny life events coupled with his violent, persistent lies led me into a place where I was questioning everything from my calling, to being loveable, to wondering if there is even a place for me in my beloved Church.  It all seemed so true….and isn’t that the story of humanity?  The beloved turning from the Lover to trust the evil one who has no love for her and seeks only to destroy her.  I was beginning to agree with the lies and was drowning in doubt. I was losing myself. 

I struggled to speak truth to my weary heart. Honestly at times I just couldn’t do it, so like a parent making their child take their medicine, I force fed myself inspiring podcasts, books, and worship music letting them speak the truth over my life that I desperately needed.  Over a few months, I prayed, I fumed, I cried, I ranted, I ached, and finally conceded to the fact that I could not do it alone.  In my blindness and self reliance, I couldn’t see my desperate need for reinforcements.   I have no idea why it still takes me so long to realize my need to reach out to someone who can help.  

I called a close priest friend. A dear, trusted priest friend who knows me well and who recalled God’s story over my life, reminded me of truth of who I was and threw down some major spiritual warfare. Finally something broke and my head was lifted out of the choking waves.  This well loved psalm came to mind:

Psalm 18

He reached down from on high and seized me;

drew me out of the deep waters.

He rescued me from my mighty enemy,

from foes too powerful for me.

They attacked me on my day of distress,

but the Lord was my support.

He set me free in the open;

he rescued me because he loves me.

The breakthrough wasn’t anything earth shattering. But, I could finally breathe again and the screeching static separating God’s voice from my ears lifted. The veil got thin and Christ was suddenly close and whispering for me to come away with Him again.

A few days later on a family trip to Tennessee, I went to the Nashville Dominicans’ motherhouse with my family.  Its a beautiful place filled with beautiful, joyful sisters.  Within a few minutes of my arrival, my eyes welled up with tears. I could feel it, my nostalgic soul waking.  Something sacred was happening, God was coming close again.  

That place was so saturated in prayer and peace. The stillness, the smell of stone and incense, the stained glass.  I realized how homesick I had been for this.  It wasn’t the convent, it was the mysterious passing through the veil from the worldly into the sacred, where the truth, beauty and goodness of God quickly calms the restless heart.  I stood breathing it in, remembering how much I have missed the secret place and the aroma of heaven.  This is the challenge and the gift, to have this place in my heart that always remains, where the lies have no power and the encounter with God is happening, where His truth is the song over my life.  The funny thing is, I could have had it all along, but my choices to agree with the lies and ugly patterns of thought created solitude and separation from the One my heart was so longing to be with.  The lies aren’t gone, they are being whispered to me daily, but the difference is that I have clarity to see and agree with the truth instead.  It is my choice and I’m choosing to stay close Jesus.

As I’m approaching Holy Week, my prayer for myself and for all of us is that the power of the resurrection would become a deeper reality in all of the dead places in us, the lost ones, the broken ones, the ones filled with lies and that we begin to truly live as children of our faithful and loving Father.  Here’s a worship song by one of my favourite worship leaders called “Christ the Rock”.  It’sa been a good reminder to me.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fCuOW6bdfMU

Heather lives in Canada with her hunky husband, and raises three beautiful amazing talented children, and a cute pup. She is passionate about ministry, music, family, and good coffee. She loves God, and lives to serve him First. She loves long walks on the beach and has great hair… -joyful mysteries.

Today. Our kids have so much pressure. 

Because there’s so much available to them, so much sooner. When I was a kid Madonna was the envelope pusher. But now things are even more available, and accessible, and “like a Virgin” is tame tame stuff compared to the monsters that hide across the wires of the Internet. The physiology  and awareness of the human teenage body is normal, but the images of perverse sexuality over the web is tainting the view of what should something beautiful, and sacred. 

Our kids are faced with this. Right now. 

Of course There are drugs and alcohol, and that rush to feel so much, or not feel enough.

Our kids are faced with this. Right now. 

 The need to fill big empty spots are even greater, because we don’t connect like we used to. We don’t talk to each other. 

At Restaurants we pass our toddlers Smart Phones because God forbid they make a noise or eat a crayon. God forbid they act like children. 

Video games don’t even come in a little box we can only plug into our TV’s, they are now accessible on phones and there are so many. We drive in cars and they don’t look up. They look down the entire time. 

Adults are playing video games for hours…losing sleep over something that is not real. And it will only get worse- because we are allowing them to think that’s normal. 

And our kids will be faced with that as a possibility of what adulthood is. 

There is so much pressure. To get better grades. To be better at a sport than your best friend. To be more talented. More funny. More than everyone else.  To be the one kid who won’t accumulate the most student loans, and expecting a job right out of school. 

And if the other end of the spectrum is an adulthood of lack of motivation. To expect parents to float us. To just not have a plan. 

And they are missing out on living. 

Little screens take so much time. Little interaction. And little ways  we are allowing our kids to become robots and lose sight of what it’s like to be a person.

And the need to be perfect. To be good enough. And we don’t really talk to them, be present to them. And suddenly the issues that come with ignoring or missing out on their present, makes us lose sight of who they’ve become. 

I recently read an article about “free-range” parenting and I have to say I disagreed with it on so many counts…my kids aren’t chickens. They are humans who deserve our protection and attention. Maybe it’s because children I love have been victims of horrible crimes against them, and while I’m told stranger danger is rare- I am all too aware that the real danger are the people I already know around my kids. So I stay guarded, and I parent and protect. While learning every day how to let go in way that still offers them the safety net of knowing no matter what, right now, they have the right to be protected. (Disclaimer: my husband will not agree with this statement as he thinks I’m not letting go enough…but whatever I’m trying.)

But the battle is raging. And the world I am against right now is immediate and instantaneous response. It is raising a nation of entitled. And we, as a family, are going against it. Fighting it…I want to teach my children things that are more important than anything the “Google” can teach them…

To have a conversation. 

To make eye contact. 

To feel empathy. 

To give love and receive love. 

To play. Loud and wildly. 

To explore and be outside. 

To have many interests. 

To apologize sincerely. 

To not be desensitized. But to be alive and engaged. 

To try new things. 

To fear God, and to need God. 

To look up. 

To feel the wind, and taste fresh air. To listen to water rushing. And to look around. 

At the world. At each other. 

The Right Now. 

Today we drove the Redwood highway…it is one of the most beautiful drives I have been on. We stopped above some crystal blue water and sat under the sun. And we didn’t even really talk. We all just sat and enjoyed the beauty of this world in the right now. 

The last few days we have spent a lot of time in the presence of each other, and I have thought a lot about the battle when the real world comes back into play next week and I have to battle against all the things that steal from my beautiful things. 

But but…in a world that is way too fast for us, hasn’t stolen from the bond and faith we have in each other. 

And I refuse to allow my own insecurities, my own guilt over not providing more, my own battles to take from the sanctity of my family.

So right there I prayed behind them.

 And when we all got back in our car, we felt rejuvenated from looking around. 

At the right now. 

The battle lines have been drawn, but I believe in us. 

I believe that God is right here. With us. In the right now. 

Spring Break continues for us. 

We have seen a lot of public restrooms, and spent so much time in our car together, and there has been rain. 

So much copious amounts of rain. 

The sun finally came out today. 

But I have enjoyed all the pictures of all of you out and about, or just at home with your families. And that’s what matters. 

All of us want more time, to see, to laugh, to be…life unfiltered.

Not perfect. Not all clear skies, or even time off…but unfiltered. Life Lived. 

      From the Ocean and moisture I have a little curl in my hair…beach hair?! Who knew!  

Happy Wednesday! 

“And may you be able to comprehend with all the saints what is the length and width, height and depth of God’s Love.” -Ephesians 3:18