(Recently there have been a lot more questions than answers. In fact I couldn’t write for months, and have rewritten this short post multiple times. Back space. Start again. Delete. Try again. And I’ll probably second guess every word later. Sigh.)

I’ve carried a lot with me for a long time: anxiety and fatigue over a long term health issue and wanting/waiting to be heard, mourning the loss of relationships and people. People who hurt my family by attacking my husband’s integrity and job- people I thought loved us, people that chose politics over love, people that I realized only show up when they need something. Even when I never ever gave up on loving them, inviting them into our lives, and my heart–even when their words hurt my family and their indifference hurt me so deeply. 

I’ve carried worry for the people I love who are struggling financially and are scared, hurting physically, and dealing with lifes big huge hurts. I hurt for people are taking care of the dying,  for people who are fighting to live, and people who just received a diagnosis. I’ve carried their hurts and worries with me. Because that’s what you do when you love someone…you show up. 

I’ve carried regret for all the ways I will never add up, the ways I was never enough. And the ways I’ve failed in my family, in my marriage, and as a parent. 
But. But.

In the past month God has shown me a lot…I have been rendered speechless by the realness of God. I have been humbled to witness a miracle, I have been given some answers medically, and I have learned that it’s not my job to make everything all right. Instead it’s my job to believe, and pray. Trust, and pray. 

And hope.

I’ve found Hope. And I’m choosing it…because hope only gives way to Love. Hope only gives way to Life. Even in uncertainty Hope brings peace.

The truth is I’ve been pretty broken for a while…but I’m ok. And I’m love. So love. And in love, brokenness looks small. And is manageable. 

But I had to make a choice. 

It’s a choice I make everyday. 

I choose to live in Hope. 

I choose to trust in God. 

I don’t know if everything is going to be all right. But I do know God. And God is good. So, I make a choice without knowing how it’s all going to turn out. 

I choose hope.

…to a God be the Glory. 


Art by Brian Andreas.