Yesterday was summer. Seriously. Today I realized we are closing in on March. Days and Months are flying by. When it came to this Fall, and Winter there was so many things I wanted to do- I haven’t done many of them. 

Instead I am still knee deep in this place where I’m catching up, trying to figure it out, and wondering why at 38 I have way more questions than I did 5 years ago. I feel like I’ve dropped something in a murky lake and am trying to find it…I know it’s there but I also know I’ll be searching for a while longer. 

I really wanted to get a regular routine of exercise in but having 4 kids in three different schools and a revolving door on sports, along with my job, and a husband whose job is never predictable has made it super hard to figure out. My friends who build their lives around exercise won’t understand that, they’ll wonder why I can’t figure it out…my answer is…

I’m so damned tired. I used to make a joke that I’ve been tired for the last 15 years but really it’s just the last three. And I used to schedule my life around my long runs, and the classes I taught. I used to only buy workout clothes. I used to post pictures after my long runs with Koya, or post about amazing classes I’d taken. And now when I get to go it’s a luxury. But it’s also not easy, the harder I work – the more tired I am after. 

I really wanted to have my health stuff all figured out before now, but it’s been hard getting people to listen. Instead I’m seeing more closed doors than open ones.  I am not a person who advocates well for myself, I also am not fond of making appointments or even going to a doctor. Instead I ignore and hope things go away. When I do go I’m painfully honest, and I hope that something will lead to good results and help. And then I try the natural things first, and mind over matter. But hippy oils, and vitamins, and tapping pressure points hasn’t worked. So I wait for a door to open, and I get another referral, and I thank God that my husband and kids are so amazing, and that I’ve finally found some doctors who seem willing to listen. 

I really wanted to start watching a show, but the one that everyone keeps telling me to watch is “This is Us.” This is also the one that almost everyone that watches it posts about how much they cry at episodes…um No thanks. I watched two episodes. It’s beautifully written, and seems wonderful. But I don’t want to voluntarily sit down for a good cry over fictional characters. Especially since I rarely watch TV as it is. Instead I watch reruns of “The Office” with my family, and spend the rest of the week quoting Creed and Michael Scott. And nobody cries.

I really wanted to take my kids sledding…actually that’s a total lie. I don’t want to go to the snow. Ever. 

I really wanted to figure out to buy leggings or books or something from an online sale, but I can’t seem to figure out how all these multi marketing leveled sales work. Also I just don’t have time to figure it out. Something has to make sense and be perfect. And then I’ll still ask questions. 

I really wanted to surprise my kids with fresh cookies after they worked in the yard yesterday, and the only thing I surprised them with was the smell of the cookies I burned. Ps. Micah said they were delicious. 

I really want to not worry. 

High School baseball tryouts are tomorrow and I’m so worried. I’m worried about some people I love who are dealing with illness’s where the outcomes don’t look good.  I’m worried that my daughter may never figure out subtraction. I worry about finances and pressure to have it all together. I worry that God closed doors he had previously gave me a yearning for for good. I worry about my friends who are battling addictions.  I worry about how I look and feel so often that I beg God to make me be kinder to myself. I worry about the people that think they don’t fit,  that hurt and resort to dark places and don’t want to go on. I worry about our divided country, that we won’t stop arguing and I pray that we will start to bind together for ALL of us. I worry about the kids at my school that are so starved for attention because they have become second to a screen, to an addiction, to a relationship, that they act out in ugly ways and I’m worried I won’t know how to love them. I worry that my kids will choose this world over their faith, and their wives will be shameless hussies. I worry that Grace will move away someday(and not take me with her).  I’m worried I’m too far behind. I’m worried I won’t figure it out- that I’ll still be searching months for now- but I can’t give up. I worry that I’m failing them…my family, with the fatigue and my health. 

I don’t want to fail them. 

And then…AND THEN… I read the gospel for today: 

24 ‘No one can be the slave of two masters: he will either hate the first and love the second, or be attached to the first and despise the second. You cannot be the slave both of God and of money.
25 ‘That is why I am telling you not to worry about your life and what you are to eat, nor about your body and what you are to wear. Surely life is more than food, and the body more than clothing!
26 Look at the birds in the sky. They do not sow or reap or gather into barns; yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not worth much more than they are?
27 Can any of you, however much you worry, add one single cubit to your span of life?
28 And why worry about clothing? Think of the flowers growing in the fields; they never have to work or spin;
29 yet I assure you that not even Solomon in all his royal robes was clothed like one of these.
30 Now if that is how God clothes the wild flowers growing in the field which are there today and thrown into the furnace tomorrow, will he not much more look after you, you who have so little faith?
31 So do not worry; do not say, “What are we to eat? What are we to drink? What are we to wear?”
32 It is the gentiles who set their hearts on all these things. Your heavenly Father knows you need them all.
33 Set your hearts on his kingdom first, and on God’s saving justice, and all these other things will be given you as well.
34 So do not worry about tomorrow: tomorrow will take care of itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.’

Matthew 6: 24-34 

God’s love is an open door…his words are real and salve to the worried soul. His timing is always perfect. Piece by piece as I wrote this, I laid my worries at his feet. I gave him these fears and he placed his words over mine. The words His Son said, the words My God said. 

I gave him my worries and walked away. Because standing outside a closed door leads nowhere…but moving forward, finding new doors, and being open to letting God be great, and remembering to set my sights on him. Only Him. 

While the last months I’ve been searching through the waters looking down, whenever I’ve looked up I’ve seen amazing tremendous miracles…God hasn’t disappointed. Maybe I haven’t found the answers but he has always shown up. 

I need to look up more often.  I need to seek Him first. And hold tight to those who matter most.

Happy Sunday. don’t Worry. 

to God be the glory. 
Love, Kristin Ann