Last month I suffered a concussion after trying to deal with two of my kids in two different directions and the side of my head and temple went into the side view mirror of my husbands truck. The big joke was “I parent so hard.”

I have had a headache every day since my concussion and am still having some slight memory issues(they say this can last up to two months). I am fearful of working out because I’m afraid to fall, because I’m afraid of the dizziness and nausea coming back. But all in all- I’m actually doing great considering. It could have been so much worse.

One of the weirdest things is I actually have had some suppressed memories come up- and they have been raw and real. I also have lost my filter. And I cry…a lot.(okay that’s not a new thing, but I’ve been crying about new things.)

So I guess this is kind of a disclaimer before you read my posts for the next while. I usually care about who I may offend, but I don’t right now. It’s not that I don’t care about you, but I do care that we spend so much time being offended these days. And I’m kind of over it.

And here’s the thing…pretty much my whole lifestyle is offensive to some groups.

I’m a practicing Catholic- like we even go to church on vacation- we pray the Rosary- and get this- we’ve never used birth control…like we are those Catholics. Years ago I had a lady thank me(in the meanest way) when I was Nine Months pregnant for adding another Carbon footprint…while my husband revved the engine of our big red suburban. In fact I would have had a million more children if I could. Thankfully I get to be around 600 everyday.

I breastfed in public, and if my kids couldn’t have nursed I would have totally owned bottle feeding.

I (gasp) let my kids eat McDonald’s.  I use my kids eating at McDonald’s as a excuse to buy my self Diet Dr. Pepper. In fact I’d like you to buy me a Diet Dr Pepper.

I love that I married a Super Hero. I love that he chose to go into Law Enforcement 15 years ago even though I am fearful every single day. I hate how people treat our Officers, and I fear for my family. But my husband shows up- in honor and sacrifice, He does his job and I will never stop fighting for him.  He is a good man.

I won’t discuss Politics, but I will tell you I compare Modern Politics to the game telephone we used to play when we were kids. Because of social media the truth becomes distorted and most of us “sharing” articles or ranting about issues usually are taking things out of context or aren’t privy to the whole truth. I’m a big fan of research- beyond popular blogs or even news-sites. We live in such a fast paced society that it shocks me how little we really know. Or how hypocritical we are as humans. I’m also a big fan of voting. And voting your conscious. I’m not a fan of Colin Kapernick and it has nothing to do with him kneeling during the national anthem(in fact I respect him for staying during it), but it has everything do with him choosing not to vote.  And I was actually bummed to hear Miley Cyrus is not moving out of the country. But whatever I’m praying for them both. And I need to go to confession for not loving them. PS. This won’t be the first times I’ve confessed this.

I struggle a lot with my body image. A lot.  And I have let my anxiety live rent free for a long time about it. That probably isn’t offensive except when I tell you I hate posts where people talk about how healthy they are, or post “motivating” pictures of themselves doing lunges in teeny shorts. And they always have perky boobs. Anyway I don’t feel motivated. I feel shamed. I do however feel motivated when I see people out running- face beat red, and they look like they are working hard and they are out there…And I like seeing pictures of people after races with the victory on their faces. I used to be one of those people. I miss that. Because it wasn’t about how I looked it was about how hard I worked.

I say Shit a lot. I say it out loud a lot and in my head even more. I know it’s not classy and shit. (And my Grace just read me writing this over my shoulder and giggled and said “You do say that a lot.” And all I could think was I’m so glad she’s reading…)

I really feel like we need to love better. To be kinder. To stop with the discussing our point over and over so that we’ve forgotten how to hear someone else. We need to listen. Especially to our kids. 

And we need God. We need Jesus. So so much. Last night as a family we sat in church for a long time. And all of us lay this heaviness down in prayer. My kids are dealing with their own heaviness and as a family we are clinging to what we know is true…

We cannot take on the World, but we know Who can.

We cannot do it all, but we know Who will.

And we know that God is good. Even in the darkness, even in uncertainty, even in all of the ugly that surrounds us- together we entrust our family to something bigger. To someone better.

I don’t know how you can survive without Faith. I don’t know how you can survive without God.

So while I’m flawed in every which way possible,  seeing my boys last night across the aisle reminded me of what matters…

Faith…and absolute surrender to God.

Because God is Love. And He loves so Hard. No one is exempt from this Love- and as a family we will follow his lead and show love and kindness fiercely.

God is Love. And He Gods so hard.