On Sunday, my love and I stood at the edges of our backyard and picked blueberries. We have four big beautiful blueberry bushes. We stood there in the comfortable silence of years of together, and just picked them. Mine actually went in the big bowl. He just ate everything he picked. 

“I’m so thankful you’re out here doing this…” He said. His voice trailed off, as all the things that we didn’t need to say out loud, were loud and clear and real in the silence.

I didn’t pick one blueberry last summer. 

Walking out there, standing under the sun was just too much. It’s funny because people will say now things like “I never knew it was that bad.” or “Why didn’t you tell anyone?” Because it takes effort to tell people…also people don’t like being around someone like I was. It’s a helpless-hard-thankless-crazy feeling loving someone like that. 

I know that. That’s why I’m not good friends with a lot of people who were my friends before. I’m different now, and their lives didn’t have time to deal with mine. And sometimes they just didn’t understand. And that’s ok. We all are at different places. And spaces. But I’m better now. 

On Saturday- I woke up to social media gone wild. I just sighed and clicked off, and after I went for my run I saw FB suggested I become friends with someone. I am friends with three of this person’s sisters and have a million other mutual friends. This person didn’t add me. FB in all its knowledge thought we had something in common- and so because clearly a mother of four who has a pile of laundry the size of a sky scraper has time, I clicked on this persons page and scrolled down. Just your average political stuff, and then I saw it. An Article with a hateful title about Law enforcement. Instantly I felt sick. 

How could someone post this? It was so ugly. I am positive this person has never been on a ride along, or actually talked to a police officer on what they do. In fact I’d bet a $100 on it.  I saw red hot rage. I wanted to email one of the sisters-my close friend- and tell her, please tell your ignorant mean sister to get a life and some perspective. I wanted to ask for her number and throw all her virtues and pretty ideals over the fence with my real. But you see it’s her opinion…I’m not her friend, she can believe whatever she wants. In all honesty after that little article I would never choose to be in the same room as her.  

But fighting? With words, and I had thought of some pretty brilliant ones…it doesn’t really solve anything. She is obviously fed by the media, most likely CNN, and I’m fed by the truth. 

 And so instead I went to Christ…I went to church, and really listened. And then I went to confession. I wanted to write with a clear heart, not from a place of my own sinfulness…where I didn’t just say lots of swear words. It sat heavy in my heart all night- and I even wrote a post directed at Her. 

And then I deleted it. 

You see…my God loves Her. A lot. 

So I am choosing to pray for her. 

Because I’m different now. 

There are real things we should be investing our time in. Not pretend FB friends but real people. And not with arguments about God, and Government…because God loves ALL of us. If we want a cause why don’t we invest ALL this time in the real tragedies happening…the girls Isis has kidnapped and are torturing and feeding to dogs- the girls who are choosing suicide over imprisonment! That is a tragedy. Why don’t we start locally supporting efforts to eradicate child- trafficking? Support people in treatment? Why don’t we take on the church burning-hate mongering people?  

Why don’t we spend time Loving those around us, rather than hating our parents for judging us, hating our friends who believe differently, and actually work on bringing healing into people’s live rather than division? Because you know who wants division? Satan. And that real stuff that we should invest our time in…that’s where he’s winning. Google that shit, I can’t make it up. 

You see, God loves people that hurt my family.  And if I want to see Christ work in me, I better claim him and love because that is what he is calling me to. 

And it starts right here. It starts with blueberries. It starts with being brave enough to go into my backyard and see the beauty of a good God. It starts with venturing beyond my yard and loving people for who they are, not who I think they should be. And I’m still me, I don’t love everyone- I could give you a list of truly shitty people I know- but I pray for them. I pray that God loves them. I pray that they’ll be less awful. 

Every once in a while I’ll come in and find one blueberry that I picked that’s still pale with no color, it’s bitter and hard. It’s not ready yet. So some of you reading this will be all “OH my Gawdddd, she is SO wrong!” And that’s ok, because I don’t need your permission to be who God has called me to be. 

A year ago, I wasn’t living. I was slowly dying. And I had a lot of ideas about what life was.

But now…I have a lot more ideas about who God is- and HE is BIG, BIGGER than you or me, and he is worth living for. He is worth loving for. 

I will invest in Him only. 

And live from there. 

Because I was given the grace and healing to LIVE again. And that’s the truth. 

To God be the Glory. I picked blueberries. I am alive.