A lot of words. A lot of Holy Spirit. Two Posts. 

One of my favorite and one of the most convicting scriptures for me is from Revelations 3: 15-16: 

“I know your deeds, that you are neither hot nor cold. I wish you were either one or the other. So because you are neither hot nor cold, but are lukewarm, I will spit you out.” 

The past few days the climate of differences in our nation has been all over the place, so you may be reading this thinking that’s where I am going, but I’m not. Instead I’m writing from the place I am today, versus the place I was last year on this date. Politics have no place here today, only the tremendous grace of a loving God. 

Today I saw my psychologist. Have I ever told you I see one? If not. I do. I fully and completely recommend therapy.  He is a wonderful person. We share faith, and I can say without any hesitation that he helped save my life. 

I am a very different person than talked to him on the phone that first day. I had sent out an SOS to our local “wives of what our husbands do” page asking for a referral, and less than a second later my friend Kara called me, and my kindred Kristie texted me. And they both said the same name. When I called I talked to his receptionist who Is also his bride of 40some years, and after a few seconds she put me on hold. He didn’t have any openings for a few weeks. And then he came on the phone. And we talked. And I told him my real. The real I had been carrying and hiding, and dying with. And he got me in the next day first thing. 

I am a very different person than he saw that first day. He has read back a lot of what I said over the past year, and I don’t remember a lot of it. But I remember the murky darkness. I remember the dark nights without grace. The transformation from the person I was the day I was diagnosed with PTSD, the person I was that folded broken in life, who did not see the light at the end of the tunnel because the tunnel wasn’t even visible…is incredible. 

Even before…even before last summer I had been fading for a long time. I had become completely lukewarm in life. In friendships- I was the first to cancel because the effort to be a good friend was so hard. In my family- because anxiety ate me up when I’d travel, I would shake the entire way anywhere terrified our car would break down, that people would notice the tense ways I couldn’t focus. The day to day I was a good mom, but it took everything I had during the day…and then I would cry myself to sleep or not sleep as I lay awake worrying that my sister would die in her sleep, that the boys would be bullied, that Grace would be hurt, and that’s husband would be killed at work. 

And I was lukewarm with my health. I was scared of doctors and dentists. I felt guilt when I worked out. Guilt when I was away from my kids. Guilt when I got a break. I felt guilty for any self care. I felt guilty saying no. 

I wasn’t hot and on fire for the Holy Spirit because I felt God had abandoned me. 

I wasn’t cold because I so desperately craved God but I didn’t trust him. 

I was lukewarm. 

But. Not. Anymore.

I get mad. Like really mad about things again. And I feel red hot feelings. I say things when things scare me, or hurt me. I don’t cancel at the last minute. I pray with people, I drop everything and show up. And when I can’t I say no(that’s a work in progress). I set boundaries- I put up a cold front and don’t feel the need to be friends with the guy who left my friend, or be friends with someone who has absolutely no respect for my family. I stick up for people. And I feel it all. And it’s not always good, but I have learned to breathe through the bad- to cry it all out, and feel glimpses of hope the next day. I’m not in the tunnel. I’m outside. If it’s dark- I can still see stars. If it’s cloudy I know they’re there. 

One month ago I went to see my psychologist because my kindred Kristie told me to- she gave me her appointment and said I needed to go. You see I was supposed to audition for an 80’s Tribute Band that night to sing back up. It was a real dream to go back to a first love. My entire life I had sang…I sang in productions, at functions, at weddings, at funerals, at my own wedding. Until last year. I had forgotten how to sing. I was all set to audition- I called the manager and talked to him. The lead singer and I had talked multiple times. But the night before I got scared. Really scared. 

I thought of all the reasons I wasn’t good enough. I hadn’t sang publicly for a while. We have four kids. My husband works A LOT. Who would want to hear me? I’m too Frumpy and Lumpy and Squishy. So I emailed the manager and sent my regrets. I emailed the lead singer too. I gave all my reasons. I texted my tribe. 

And then I cried. 

The next morning when my kindred texted me- I knew I needed to go. And when I was in my session I never mentioned the band but something BIG was brought to my attention. I had forgotten my wants mattered. In all my work I had forgotten it’s okay for me to have something for me. It’s okay to do things that don’t just revolve around my kids, or Dyp. And I remembered who I was…before. 

I was Fun. I was Spunky and Wild. And damn Funny. So I left my appt and on my windshield were some flowers and a note from the love of my life…that told me He believed in Me, and wanted me to audition! To go for it! And then I got an email from the manager who wouldn’t let me back out- who told me the reasons I should show up…and they were true. This from someone who had never met me. 

So I went. 

And I made it. 

I’m in a Band. 

And I get to sing 80’s music as homework. And  the lead singer and my voices are so completely complimentary that I pinch myself that I almost let myself be lukewarm and not go. 

Today I went and told my therapist that. Today I told him what I did. And he marveled at how far I’ve come. How different I am. He and I sat in silence. I cried(of course) and he just beamed and he said after a really really long time, 

“You found your voice again.” 

I found my voice again. 

I found my life again. 

So thank you, all of you who loved me through my Lukewarm. Thank you for hearing my voice. All of you, who prayed with and for me.  Thank you for helping save my life. I am overwhelmed with Gods grace- completely and totally. And no matter where life takes me I will Love More, and not Live Less. I am so grateful. 

Life at Full Amazing Speed. Full of Passion. Never Lukewarm. 

To God be the Glory.