“The most important things are the hardest things to say. They are the things you get  ashamed of because words diminish your feelings– words shrink things that are timeless in our head to no more than living size when they are brought out.” -Stephen King 

Yesterday I was in mood. A bad mood. I felt inadequate. I felt unappreciated. And so I decided to take it out on my yard.

For two hours I dug and pulled, and pruned. Dirt went deep under my fingernails, as my gloves just couldn’t get the grip I needed. I was hit right in the face with a rose bush. I had to pull spiders out of the front of my tank top. Awesome. 

Two hours. 

At two hours I stepped back. The place I had worked was so small, and didn’t even make a dent in what I still needed to do. In fact unless you knew to look, you wouldn’t have even noticed I’d done anything. 

I freaking weeded for two hours and all I got was a sunburn and spiders feeling me up. 

I was on a full on whoa is me tirade, feeling sad and down, isolated, and super weepy. I cried during Grace’s game- and blamed it on allergies. 

Later that night, after games and drop offs, I had to run to Walmart to grab some feminine products and shampoo. It was around 9 pm- which is really never ideal- in fact during one of my pregnancies I used to get nauseous from the lights there. But I also used to get nauseous listening to the Dixie Chicks when I was pregnant with Daniel. I’m pretty sure I’m weird. 

 But I needed to go. I drove there along with my bad mood. I gave the stink eye to anyone I thought would mess with me as I stomped into Walmart in my flip flops-  slapping down on the linoleum. I grabbed my stuff and paid and got into my car. I made a quick trip to get some oils from my friend Amy and got into the car with a barrage of texts.

From my tribe.

I had been texting back and forth with my friend Dana all night- and her night was rough too. But she had decided in her already rough state to pull out a Nicholas Sparks film. 

So I drove there. 

When you turn on Nicholas Sparks…It’s bad. Any of us would have done the same, and drove over there,  I just happened to already be in my car. 

I called Dyp who said, “yes, go…” 

And I did.

I arrived at her door with my feminine products in one arm and a ready hug in the other. 

And we spilled. 

And drank Diet Dr Pepper at 10 pm. 

In solidarity for shitty days. 

You see my bad day was nothing compared to her days, her year. 

She just finished her first year as a widow. The entire course of her life changed 14 months ago, and her entire identity unraveled after 26 years. 

I was mad about being unappreciated. 

While she is living each day…trying to fill a life sized hole.

And that’s not possible. 

We talked about every thing from the shallow to the deep and dark waters life places us. 

Life takes us to dark places– and there are depths that only the grieving go. And those of us that aren’t wading in the water…we cannot fill the others days- and lives, there is no band-aid that can fix that. No words that can heal.  But…but we can sit there. We can listen. We can talk about everything and nothing. 

And offer hope. Offer friendship. Show love. 

I left Dana’s house, exhausted, but wide awake, and still sunburned. 

Thankful for friendship. Thankful for those who can bear the real- even the hard parts to hear. And sometimes we look back and see that we haven’t made a dent in our sadness. Maybe the inadequacy is stuck under our fingernails- and the isolated settles in painful heat resting on our shoulders. Sometimes the grief comes up and hits us in the face- when we least expect it. And it rests deeply into our soul which is still unraveled. 

These words sat in my heart all night. I lay in bed and prayed for words to even kind of reflect the real of today. The perspective I gained from seeing and being present to someone else. Someone I loved. 

I told myself- this past week will not define me. But it has taught me…

That God is good. In the dark water- He is the One. 

That I’m not called to be perfect- my words aren’t timeless- my actions are flawed, and sometimes a real dose of perspective is needed. Bad days will happen. Often. But looking for the good in the days I have instantly changes the course. 

Even if it’s at 10 at night…over Diet Dr Pepper- watching “Say Yes to the Dress” on Mute with a friend. When we don’t say all the words- but we both know, and that’s good enough. 

Somedays we just need a good enough day to end things. 

Somedays we just need to know we are loved.

And every day we need to Believe God.  God who gathers the wounded to Him, who heals the broken hearted, and who loves us in our bad moods, with our weeds, and in our grief. 

We can’t put a dent in that love…

Here’s to good friends, and better days. And to being able to be real enough to show up just so they turn off the Nicholas Sparks movie. 

To God be the Glory.