usually on Friday I have a guest writer. I always trust God to take care of it. People typically come to me, unless I’m prompted through prayer. But this week- it didn’t happen, and that’s ok because words have been building in me for about a month. I have four posts that I’ve been plugging away on, but The Holy Spirit always stops me…until today. I was just vacuuming my floor, and the words began to flood and piece together- I was going to just use a funny quote that happened recently- but nope, when the Spirit speaks it’s in all bold to me. My friend Amanda has seen it happen and it is crazy. So here I am. 

Welcome to the Revolution…

“Oh my Gawd Becky, look at her blog. I mean she has a blog. I mean they’ll just let anyone write these days! She is so….” 

Recently I found something from my childhood that said what I wanted to be when I grew up. I wanted to be a writer then. I want to write the truth now. Being told by God you’ll write daily for a year is a daunting experience- because who wants to read my thoughts for a year. But as the year has unfolded- I’ve realized that I have never been in control. In fact when I said Yes, I started giving God the glory, and started having my life flip-turned upside down.  I haven’t had publishers knocking on my door- because to finish a book you actually have to have a computer that works consistently apparently. And I haven’t felt all fuzzy and good about myself. In fact a lot of nights I think…what the heck was I writing?! What are people going to think of me God? 

In fact many people think because they read my blog they know the whole story of my life, but nope. See, I save a lot of my real for safe people, and I have some good people who are safe. And unfortunately there are a lot of people who aren’t. And when people tell me something I’m a vault- someone else’s real is not my real to tell. So it’s no wonder that when I hear I’m gossiped about I wonder why whoever it is- didn’t just talk to me? It makes me sad, because instantly I know they are not safe. I will never trust them. Because our lives aren’t always cut and dry- many times there are many layers, and reasons, and things that make us who we are. But I know what I want to be for someone else- safe. 

Real. True. Faithful. 

You see that’s why Friday became a part of this revolution of Real- because people want to share their real. They want to share their joy, and their pain, and the reason they live. 

And their real is Important. 

And that means you won’t always read something that’s fuzzy and nice- you may read something that will make you angry and sad. You will feel something. Because life isn’t always about how many people like us, or think we are a really great person. Because if we don’t act like a really great person behind our computer or behind closed doors..we are living a lie. 

And sometimes what is written will piss you off. Like when I say “Stop talking about your body in front of your kids. Stop fasting and using God as an excuse to be unhealthy. Stop being a mean person. Stop shaming new moms, or old moms, or moms in general. Stop judging people who’ve gotten divorced.  Stop rationalizing shirts with Wolves on them.”

I knew this on January first. But it was hard because I realized that as I heard the mean things being said over the past months, when the whole picture wasn’t out there- when perspective wasn’t even accounted for- It stung. It hurts. But it doesn’t mean that God isn’t working. Or that We aren’t learning, and feeling. 

One of the most amazing freedoms I’ve been give this year is not needing the accolades of temporary love. I have realized who my people are. I have realized that they are safe and know me. I don’t want superficial friends. Or temporary friends. I want Real friends. 

I once told my tribe girls that I couldn’t get together because I wasn’t feeling funny or happy and one of them said ” We don’t love you because you’re funny. We love every part of your personality. You don’t have be anyone else.”  

It was incredible. I didn’t realize that I have spent years years imprisoning myself if I didn’t act the part. If I wasn’t  strong. 

Imprisoned by an internal real.

don’t inconvenience anyone Kristin. 

crying is a sign of weakness. Stop crying. 

why would anyone want to read words from you? You’re ugly. You’re fat. 

it’s your fault. 

Get. Over. It. 

All my own words. And then God said, 

“Okay…let’s start this revolution, you’re already cracked- and while you put your life and words back together- I’ll make you really uncomfortable and make you face stuff.” 

Stuff like asking for help-like getting my kids rides. 

Something I have never done.  

Stuff like letting me take the fall, and the meanness for doing the right thing. 

Something I will always do  and never regret but still is stuff. 

Stuff like writing my real. On days where all I want to do is hide…And not be exposed. On days where I wish God would give me another child and instead all I’ve gotten was asked if I was pregnant. On days where I realized that the work out pants I’m wearing- were the victim of my sleepwalking child who pees on things that he thinks are the toilet but are instead the folded Laundry bin. The days I still feel like I’m in high school where I’m sort of a freak, but am scared that people won’t like me anymore if they see who I want to be. The days I am convinced I am failing as a wife. As a mother. 

There will always be those days. 

But God didn’t call us to stop on those days- he called us to live in bold on those days. Not for our glory- for his. 

Today as I vacuumed I was completely over come with gratefulness- for those who have joined this revolution. For those who have prayed with me. For the love of my life for marrying me. And for those who have taken this cracked version of me and loved me so completely…

Thank you for being safe even when my real has been hanging all out there. 

Thank you God for freedom- in words, in healing, and in redefining life on your terms. 

Live Boldly. 

To God be the Glory.