“If you dream of me, as I’ve dreamed of you. In a place that’s warm and dark. In a place where I can feel the beating of your heart.” 

10 years. 

10 years is a long time. But I still remember everything. 

And the days before I feel it building. The grief, the sadness, the absolute powerlessness I feel that I don’t get to raise all my children. 

I don’t regret the life I have. I love my life. But there is still a place that holds her. Always. 

My life is busy. Today is busy and filled to the brim stretching me, and there won’t be a lot of time to stop. I even started my day pretending today was just another day- so that tonight I could hold her blanket that held her, so I could cry after everyone was sleeping. 

But. I. Can’t. 

I couldn’t. 

My friend Renee called and listened as I cried on the phone. She listened to me cry, and was so kind. I am so blessed by my friends. All your texts so far- thank you. 

“I’ve longed for you. And I have desired…to see your face, your smile. To be with you wherever you are.” 

This. Is. My. Real. 

I know I am blessed. I know that. I get to celebrate four amazing children everyday- in their smiles, in their laughter, and in their beautiful existence. 

But I only get one day for her. Kind of two, because of her due date. Only one other person in the world remembers that day. 

I only get one. 

One day.

Yes, I know I get many days to miss her. 

But I only get one day that’s all hers. Because I can’t rest in grief. Resting in grief stops you from seeing life.  Because we are called to more…

“Together again…it will feel so good to be. In your arms- where all my journeys end. If you can make a promise, if it’s one that you can keep. I vow to come for you. If you wait for me.” 

God is good. 

He has healed and restored me in ways I could have never imagined on this day ten years ago. But he has let me keep a Mary sized place- and I know, someday, I will get to see her smile. I know. Someday my journey will end here…and there she will be. 

My. Girl. 

Wherever you are today…I ask you to love in big and mighty ways. I ask you to appreciate those who you are so blessed to see smile and love. Love. Them. So. Much. 

Love. Them. 

You are so blessed to have them. 

My God, today give her a 10th birthday party filled to the brim with so much joy. Thank you for giving me her. Thank you for loving her. And thank you for letting me keep a part of her in my heart always. 

May 28. Mary’s Day. 

*the Promise by Tracy Chapman used in the quotes. It is our song for our first daughter. Here is the link to it.