“Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders, let me walk upon the waters wherever you will call me.” *

Being a kid was hard.

Being a grown up is hard. 

Lately some realities have come to play in my life, that I can’t get it all done. I can’t be in three places at once. And I have to step back and set some difficult steps in a different direction. 

And it’s really really hard.

Because that means feeling torn and having to step back from what has been comfortable for a really really long time. 

Yesterday I wrote my real out loud and brave. And this morning already wondered why I keep being open…being open makes my heart hurt. But then I came to this weird place of revelation as I read my Bible and prayed…with lots of up close and raw feelings all over the place…

Speak the truth, live the truth, and know that comfort is temporary. I kept hearing these words as I felt my cortisol levels shoot to and fro and felt like I needed to keep intact.  

Keep it together. Even though…

Sometimes it’s not going to be comfortable. 

And man I hate that. 

And sometimes, many times, the right thing is to walk away, even when…I only want to do the right thing. I only want the best. We are not always going in the same directions on our paths.

And that has been really hard for me to even put into words…

I have regrets. Like, last year in the fog I dropped the ball and Grace didn’t have her Star of the Week for preschool…I will never ever be able to go back and fix that. I will never truly be over that. At the time I wasn’t going in the right direction, I was stuck in quick sand and couldn’t see beyond being stuck. I see now. 

Even now when I have some of it together…I don’t know how to balance it all. So I have to choose my steps wisely. 

I’m missing my sisters and my Mom so much. I’m wishing I had family nearby. Because my Dyp works a lot, and my kids take a lot, and I’m not sure how I’m going to do it all.  And I have good friends who help, but there is only one of me. 

I am in a strange transitional life period, because my kids are changing and our lives are changing, and I am being called and stumbling through a tunnel that I don’t really understand. I started selling mascara last year because I love it, but have realized while I always knew selling wasn’t my strong suit, my real is also not changing exterior but about transforming the interior. I can’t do both, because this take so much energy and prayer and looking for the radiant beauty of raw and real can’t be sold. That has to be felt deep under the skin and changed beyond comprehension. 

And being real is not comfortable. 

No amount of sweats and old sweatshirts can cover up my imperfections in life. I often say the wrong thing, and do the wrong thing. I do not like being misunderstood so I will over apologize, and I will always be the first to say sorry- even if I wasn’t really wrong- but I can’t have conflict.  And a lot of times many times I will say something, and regret it because it isn’t comfortable, because it’s hard to put myself out here in such a way. And yet, how can I learn if I don’t see others hearts and be open to their real? I want to know and understand…so I can love better. So I can understand better. 

I listen to Hillsong* “Oceans” song over and over and pray that I can do God’s will. Not mine, but God’s. And depend on him in all the uncomfortable parts, in all the ways I’m so uncertain of my realness. Because the real is seeing the good in others and knowing my heart is only seeking the one name I call. 

“And I will call call upon your name…”

Jesus, please help me…Keep it together. 

Jesus, please lead me to Speak the truth.  Live the truth. 

And as uncomfortable as it is I need to trust…Only Him.

Happy St Patrick’s Day- St. Patrick was a man of great resilience who spent his whole life pointing to the same person whose name I am calling upon now. 

And happy birthday to some of my loves- Erin, Ella! And my dear Uncle Pat, I miss you.