Today I was in the middle of a text message conversation with a good friend…about babies.

Both of us love babies. I mean love love babies.

Both of us love being Moms.

Both of us don’t feel done…and yet, by circumstance – life – the fact that sometimes when you really want to be pregnant it doesn’t happen. And now I’ve opened the discussion on adoption, which is not a definite – which may not happen. I still feel like there is more…I’m waiting to know what’s next.

Me and my Friend. We don’t feel done yet. Maybe it’s because we both know what it’s like to lose a baby. To grieve a baby. To love someone so completely that you will never get to see put a tooth under their pillow, or soothe them in a rocking chair.

A couple years ago I had a positive pregnancy test. I texted my friend Jill a picture, who saw it and we marveled.  But when I went to the doctor the next day to get a blood test I wasn’t after all. It was a fluke.  The ache in my heart, for children who already have names stayed for weeks…and I wasn’t even pregnant.

Today we texted and wondered why? Why do we still feel this need?  So often I hear these words. “Oh we’re done.” “You want another? You have four!” “How could you love one more?”

Seriously…how could I not?! I know the gift of more. I know the gift of siblings.

I have never judged anyone at stopping at two. Or of deciding that they are done.

But I am judged. Openly.  Years ago a neighbor actually confronted me about why we’d think to keep having kids. It was a very “Eugene” argument.  And all I could say was the truth. Children are a gift. All children deserve to be loved and wanted.   My kids aren’t perfect, but they are good.  They are miracles.

I don’t feel done.

Instead of looking at this as something that is heart wrenching and never knowing if I  could be a part of the miracle of welcoming another child into our home, as ours…I am grateful. Because I am open. I am open to possibility.

Does that mean we’ll have more? I don’t know. And today, I’m okay with that.  Am I happy with what I have? Yes. Having a big family is one of the most rewarding things in the world. I’m sure it’s a scientific fact.

And Parenting? It is the hardest, most humbling thing I’ve ever done.  I barely survived puberty when I went through it, and now I’m raising someone going through it.  And it’s crazy hard.  But it would be harder if I didn’t trust that God is control, and is going to help lead us, in how to lead them. To love them.

Until God reveals another step in our path, I will be grateful for the ache of wanting more.  Of what He wants for me. And I think what he wants now is for me to trust. To be open to possiblity, to change.   I am grateful for my children and every stage that is so rocky and full of highs and lows.  I wanted average kids, but nothing about them has been less than extraordinary.  They have exceeded every dream and my heart breaks watching them grow, and grows watching them break and mold and become who they are.

So are we done yet?

Nope. Because I refuse to limit God.  So far, the results have been pretty remarkable.  And if nothing else, I will watch your babies for free.  I have a little experience…