I’ve lived in Oregon for 16 years.  I have never had any of the allergies that seem to hit and stay and bully people in the Willamette Valley.  Until this year.

This year, I am sneezing and droopy.  I am teary and drippy. I am a mess.

My son Jonah has suffered bravely for years.  He’s on two different allergy meds, he takes showers every night.  No windows are open during this time of year, and he has three inhalers on hand at any time.  He can tell you when the pollen count is high just by stepping outside.  He is a rock star.

I am not.  Because they suck.  I can take meds and then go outside and take a whiff of some cotton pollen and suddenly I look like I just got punched in the eye.  I already cry easy, so this is absolutely ridiculous…

Which brings me to something that really hit me today.

I am allergic to change. But suddenly in the past year, as our life has been turned and twisted and wrung out, I am ready for it to stop spinning. I want it to stop.

I want easy. I want predictable.  I want what I know.

I was never like this before.  Dyp and I drove two hours once to get sandwiches, just because.  I embraced change. I embraced every new stage and every new week.

Until this year.  Until the spinning started.  Until things got absolutely ridiculous.

If you saw me this morning, you would have seen me praying with my husband before a huge trial.  For the first time in years, he was nervous. It was a solid case, rock solid in fact, but still he was nervous.  I held him close, so handsome in his suit and prayed with him, resting my chin against his freshly shaved cheek.  I knew it would be ok, but then again I’ve thought many things this year…and they weren’t.

If you saw me when I was waking up the boys you would have seen how pale Jonah was, how he couldn’t seem to open his eyes, and how I just knew he wasn’t feeling well…so my planned day was changed.

 

If you saw me at the school, you could have sworn it was allergies, but it wasn’t.  Dyp was under subpoena for trial,  and he couldn’t go to Daniels field trip out of town…the first time we’ve missed one.  And I couldn’t go to Micah’s field trip because Jonah was home sick…so I cried.  And I could blame allergies, but I had to trust that others would look out for my boys. Which is hard for me.

If you saw me at Grace’s school you would’ve seen me cry because I saw the date when her little preschool graduation is…when we have been scheduled to have been gone, for the past year. Of course it’s on that date.  I felt so defeated.

Only God saw the next two hours when I came home and prayed.  I prayed for Dyp at court.  I prayed for Daniel on his Field Trip, and Micah on his.  I prayed that our family graduation would be enough for my Grace, I prayed that Jonah would start feeling better.  My self-esteem has taken quite a hit lately, and I’m not sure if it’s the work I did at the women’s retreat I just spoke at (future post) or just…me.  So I prayed because some days seeing things is hard, and being seen is even harder.  Maybe people will see the huge allergy circles, or the way my clothes seem to fit wrong, or the sadness.  Because there’s a lot of that right now.  So I just prayed and prayed, for me to love and see what God sees in others. In me.

 

And then I picked up Grace.  Jonah was awake by that time and came with me, and as we were driving we stopped at a red light.  He was talking, and I was listening and the light changed.  And a car honked, I thought behind me, only when I moved the car in front of me didn’t and I hit him.

If you saw me there, in that moment, I had rear ended someone. I have never done that. The car in front of him was texting (another long drawn out- get off your freaking phone and live your life) and didn’t see the light change…so the car in front of me honked, and I saw the green light and there you go.  It was my fault.  Since my car is the size of a submarine it was not hurt, but the other car was hurt a little on the bumper.  I was shaking and crying, and shocked. He was a perfectly pleasant man, we exchanged info, and went our separate ways.

Then I pulled over and a few things happened fast…So if you saw me you would have seen that:

I cried some more and called my Dyp…who was on his way home to tell me the trial was quick and the guy changed his plea to guilty.  Then he came and met me and hugged me, and loved me because he does that so well.  And then my neck started to hurt, so I made an appointment.  Then I was hugging my husband again.  So next thing I knew I was seeing my doctor.  And he said I was fine, but I would be really sore tomorrow, and then something happened…

Earlier that day I had prayed. What I didn’t mention earlier is that there is a part of my life that has been really hard for a while. I’m even careful typing this.  It’s a part that few people except close family and friends know and are a part of…I have taken on a role in the past year that I can’t even describe the magnitude of spinning. I love someone so much… Who has something so incredibly toxic and dark and at times it has been all consuming.  The feelings of my own failure that I couldn’t solve or make it better are real.

So I told my doctor as we talked about other things, my stress level– my extremely low blood pressure, my clothes not fitting right and my self-esteem and  then I told him about this part of my life. And the earlier part of my day, which was me pleading to love and see God as he sees me was revealed — my doctor turned to me and his face suddenly looked different and he said that all of those things, the things that have been hard and I’ve been pleading to be different don’t matter compared to what truly counts…what I have done for someone I love.  All of the moments where I have saved her life this year.  And that’s what makes me who I am, a beautiful human being.

And then I cried.  Because what he said was something I needed to hear.  From his face I knew it wasn’t planned or rehearsed.  But God works.  All the time.  Even when we think we are invisible, our “work” means something.  And I haven’t failed, because I’ve been there – everyday.  And so has He.

So…If you see me tomorrow I’ll be sore. I’ll still hate change.  And my droopy allergy eyes will be hidden behind my movie star sunglasses.  But I’ll be there, present, living the life I’m in.  Things may spin but as long as I keep praying, and showing up, so will God.  Life isn’t predictable but God is.  And for today, that’s what counts.