If you read my post from yesterday…Wow! You’re one of the three. I deleted it. It was written in hormonal, kind of hysterical haste.  After a conversation with my Mom, my amazing friend Jocelyn, and some prayer…I realized I was letting something get to me too much and I didn’t need to use my blog as penance.

  Ok, for the rest of you, who didn’t read my rambling blog, first of all I was sad because we sold our Mini Van. Her name was Vanna White.  We had her for seven years, and I loved her. We sold her to some friends who had prayed about getting a bigger car for their own growing family. And with four kids, plus whoever is coming over that day under 5 ft…we out grew her, which is why we bought Fancy my suburban last year.  Chris for years has pined for a Truck, and a friend was selling one and was going to give him a great deal. Chris admitted to me that driving a minivan all the time, was hurting his manhood.  Which by the way is a crock, because there is nothing not masculine about him! But I digress, we sold her.  And I cried.

Secondly, I had gotten a call from someone I hadn’t spoken to in 16 years. Within five minutes of the conversation, she brought up some choices I’d made back then.  In a nutshell I made bad decisions as a kid. I also had some things happen to me when I was a kid that really stunk. But it was over 16 years ago. If I was the same person that I was 16 years ago, I’d be listening to Boys II Men on a ghetto blaster, with a bad perm.  I’ve changed. I have faith, and amazing kids, and a husband who has beautifully muscular arms.  I made some really bad mistakes but I don’t need to apologize forever…I’ve been forgiven. Christ has forgiven Me!  And my mistakes, which were actually lies I told, never were meant to hurt anyone, because they were about me, not anyone else.  I was just messed up. There was no excuse, but at the same time I was dealing with a lot of stuff no one knew about.  Thank you God for my Mom, who knew it all then and now. Thank you God for my friend Jocelyn who I can tell everything to, and has some freakin’ perspective.  16 years ago. A lot can change in 16 years.

But if you had the misconception I was perfect…I’m sorry.  I am a big sinner. But if you’re not…a sinner, totally feel free to throw my dirty laundry back at me. I’ve got plenty, enough in fact for 6 people.  But after you do that could you come and help me fold it?

But enough about me, let’s talk mascara.

Test # 3: Cover Girl, Multiplying Waterproof Mascara…or Multiplying Hydrofuge — sounds much fancier.  Thin dark blue casing, with a silver top. Standard sizing. Color: Black Brown.  I actually really liked this mascara. It didn’t make lashes thicker, but it did make them longer and had a really clean fresh look.  It was supposed to multiply, but I don’t think I looked like I had lashes, and lashes, and lashes.  I did go running twice wearing it and it didn’t smear down my face. And the day that I rambled, I wore it again, and it did smear a teensy bit. But I was crying a lot.

Final Score: 6.5.  It was a good mascara, definitely not perfect, but I’m starting to wonder if it may just be my lashes. But it was above average.  I really liked the clean look of it.  Which is very Cover Girl-ish.   Very appropriate.

Next E.L.F. which stands for Eyes, Lips, Face.  It is another waterproof mascara, and I’ve already tested it out.  Next Blog though!

After writing a blog, deleting a blog, writing another blog, I was thinking about how there are so many thing that we wish we could redo, change. We pray about these things, whether it’s more money or patience or perspective.   In the past few months my faith has really changed, and my prayer life has become a very consistent source of comfort.  I think that’s why what happened a few days ago threw me off so much. I was doing well and suddenly something so far back, made me devastated.  But Evil is that way. Satan uses our past, so that we can’t function in our future. And whether you are religious or not, we all have instances, experiences that try to kill our joy. 

One constant joy in my life is my son Micah.  He is bold and strong, and sweet as can be.  And every night when we pray, he has by far the best intentions.  One night he prayed that, “That Daddy would give me back my Star Wars toy, and that my toy horsey would stop hurting my feelings.”  Another night his prayer was so sincere, “I pray that God will always be God.” He loves the Hail Mary, and asks if we can pray it again as soon as we finish, and he’s even made a dance to it.  He also prayed once for “Indiana Jones.” When I repeated, “Yes, Jesus we pray for Indiana Jones…” He interrupted me, “No Mommy, I pray that I can become Indiana Jones.”    What I love about it is that he has such an unabashed boldness when it comes to prayer. He prays, and he believes. 

I want to be that way.  I want to pray and accept God’s forgiveness and grace, and ask for help.  I don’t want to be guarded.  I don’t need to wear a hair shirt to be holy, and by the way, a hair shirt I’ve heard is seriously itchy.  I just have to have hope.  And I need to let go of the conception that my dirty laundry is the only mark I’m going to leave on this world. On people’s memory of me. Because it’s not.  My prayer is that you can do the same, that you can live a life where the past isn’t what hinders you from embracing life.  We all do things. And our actions can show our real intentions. And sometimes our intentions aren’t good. And sometimes they are masking other pain.  But there is always forgiveness.  And there is always good. And I am blessed with much goodness. 

Goodness comes in all shapes and sizes.  Like a mini-van who is filled with the smell of french fries, and the echo’s of kids laughing.  Like someone who grew up, and has people who love her in spite of her past.  Like Mascara.