My Joyful Mysteries, and A Revolution of Real

 Over 11 months of writing almost every day…I’m sure some themes have been repetitive but sometimes those are the reminders I’ve needed. I have tried to be honest and real, and raw. I haven’t said everything…because somethings are private for a reason. I have prayed about each and every post, and waited to push post until I have prayed for those about to read it. For the next 15 days I have vowed to write everyday.  It’s been hard to make the time the past couple months, but God has continued to show me a lot. In fact way more than I expected.

Some days when I write this is what I’m pretty sure is read… 

So here’s what I know today…

Sometimes we write to be right. 

Sometimes we write to be heard.

Sometimes we write to remember. 

And I wrote this to be real. 

I grew tired of the cruel and divisive one sidedness that too much technology and lack of compassion has given us today. And I know I won’t change anyone’s opinion…not really, but I figured if someone is anti- faith, anti-law enforcement, anti-me…maybe I could show a different side. A real human side. 

I don’t know if people have heard me, but I hope that you feel heard in your own life. That you have a voice that can speak up for you, and your needs. That the filters can come off, and you can feel and hurt, love and laugh. You deserve to be heard. Everyone does…

I wrote to remember, but I also wrote to live. To give permission to find joy in the midst of sorrow, and to remember what counts. We spend so much time on what doesn’t count. On what isn’t important. On what we don’t have. On what we remember happened, and how we think it should have been. Instead…life is what it is. Sometimes that doesn’t feel like enough, but there are times when we need to be willing to wait to out. Until it is.
I wrote to be real, because I needed to grow. Broaden beyond the stagnate places I’d become comfortable with. I wrote to become a better person. A better friend. I wrote because God told me to, and this year he has asked for my Yes.  

Because… It’s okay to cry when we’re hurt, find joy in the blessings, and admit we’re tired when our eyes are red and our child is wrapped so tightly around us we can’t sleep…but what I’ve learned the most about real is that it frees up those pockets we’ve grown so accustomed to pretending we have to be stuck in. Expectations we can never live up to…life lived in fear and resentment. Life lived through a screen…or a filter…instead of right there. 

Right here. 

We’re not stuck. 

Not really.

We can live. 

We can be real. 

what really happened. 

I’m not one to air dirty laundry but…anybody need a sock? 

because really…who has time? 

Even on the darkest– bleakest nights, all you need is one light. Just one light to remind you where you are…how far you’ve come…and where to head. 

  
And if they twinkle…well that’s just icing. 

Watch for the ones that hold the light…the ones who keep a light on for you. They are the good ones. 

All you need is one light. 

Well I actually thought today was the 9th. That’s kind of how this week has been. I forgot to write on the 8th too. 

This week is…

A blur. 

The wind has been howling. The rain has been pouring. And thunder and lightening woke me up at 430 am. 

I did what I usually do. 

I prayed. And then I thought. 

I’ve come to the conclusion that I think too much sometimes. But if I listen close enough during those moments…God throws something in there. 

I had a lot of thoughts last night. 

My husband said once a couple months ago after my mouth unleashed a plethora of my own perceived inadequacies and shortfalls, “I think you’re having a weird midlife crisis in your head.” 

And maybe I am. 

But I feel like there’s been this tug of war between how God wants me to view myself, and how I view myself. One side pulls from all my gifts and strengths, but the other clings to  my shortcomings and shortfalls. 

And I’m not talking about the outer layers- because I’m pretty open that I am constantly working, and struggling to love myself how I am in this season. 

But I’m talking about all the ways I don’t add up…these are the things I think about at night. 

I asked myself last night “where did your brave go?” 

Don’t get me wrong, I’ve done brave things this year…but I also started doubting myself in new ways. It seems like things come naturally to people, while I wait for the next step. 

I’ve come to the conclusion that writing for a year- maybe, it’s not going to change others lives. But it’s changed me. 

Along with God, only by the grace of God. 

Some weeks have been filled with clarity. 

And some? 

They’ve been a blur. 

We go through the motions, and pray for a good nights sleep, and for the sun again. 

And while my mind may be raining with doubts, my outpouring of blessings has been vast and huge. 

And here’s what God spoke into my heart in the very early morning…

I never was a good test taker. I envy those who are. But life isn’t some test. You may be great at multiple choice, but if you can’t wait out the storm- you are going fail at learning to see the little things. The little things can tell you more about the big things that matter…

If you are always focused on how the thunder scares you and how the lightening affects; you won’t shelter others when they need you most. If you can study and memorize answers, but don’t know how to be present…you will fail, ever single time. 
Tomorrow is another day. And rain is in the forecast. And life is good. God is good.  

“You couldn’t handle my undivided attention.” – Dwight Schrute 

I don’t want to write today.

Too much sad.

Too much debating. 

Too much hating. 

So instead I want you to know I spotted Dwight Schrute about a month ago. 

 
And that is good. 

I realized something this last week. A big something. 

On Sunday Grace started vomiting. She had the stomach flu but suddenly all my anxious energy took my brain to very dark places. It followed two days of hard stuff.

But I need to go back a few years for you to understand. 

When Grace was about six months she got sick. She stopped being able to sit up. She could barely lift her head. Her fever was about 105. She was lethargic and could barely nurse and cry, and they started testing her for things. The worst part? She barely cried during any of the tests. She was that sick. When we found out she had a kidney infection, we were relieved and terrified. Because we knew kidney infections weren’t considered a regular childhood illness, and while it could be treated it could mean other stuff.  So, she had to have more tests, excruciating tests where I cried with her. And was later diagnosed with Urinal Reflux. The following 5 years she remained on a low dose of antibiotics. They tried a couple of times to wean her off her meds but each time she would come down with another horrible kidney infection. Each time they would have to give her a catheter to check her, and it was traumatic.  So we, along with her pediatrician and urologist decided to just keep her on the low dose. The surgery success rates weren’t high enough for me. I was tired of seeing her little body go through so much. 

Eventually she made it two years without an outbreak infection. We did a trial and she didn’t have an infection. It was always the best case scenario but was terrifying to say the least. Grace had outgrown it. She hasn’t had a kidney infection for 30 months.

When I write Grace is the strongest person I’ve ever met, I say it with conviction. I saw how sick she would become and I also saw her spirit. I saw how hard her little body fought. I also realized very early on…she never ever took a moment of her little life for granted. She was known by all the pharmacy women as Amazing Grace, and brings joy to everyone who met her through the process.

But while she knew her life was a gift, I held the fragility of every one of her moments with an anxious grip. 

I still remember driving to one of her appointments saying over and over to God “You can’t take another daughter, you got one.” I was so terrified all the time. 

But what I later learned was as I gave her to Him…the anxiety would lessen, and I was a better mother. I wasn’t parenting in Fear, but parenting in Appreciation and Hope.
But it’s amazing how old darkness is the first place we go…

Recently I read an amazing memoir by one of my favorite authors Heather Kopp called “Sober Mercies.” It’s her own journey through alcoholism and recovery, and also her journey being a Mother of an addict as well…all tied up with her relationship with God. It’s the kind of book that has sat with me for weeks after I read it. I can’t recommend it enough.

 But one part in particular sat with me…as she writes about her own fragile recovery and worrying about her Son. It struck a cord…and has continued to. 

 
I’ve reread this page multiple times the last month. As I trusted God. 

I’ve shared it with friends who are in the same place. And in a hard place with God. This God they are angry at. But still they pray…because life without Him is all darkness. 

A lot of big things are happening in my life. And there are a lot of unknowns, and a lot of things I don’t understand. 

But I’m in. 

God. 

I trust you. 

I won’t take Life, or You for Granted…even though I don’t know the outcome here. 

I’m in…for eternity. For You. 

I trust you. 

When I stopped trying to pretend I had it all together…and I started embracing it in all its beauty…

I found a happiness I never knew existed.

In my skin- In my faith- in my Real. 

  
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As I was filling out the picture package I asked her what her position in basketball is…mostly just to see her answer. 

  
And as always, she was totally right. 💗