I realized something this last week. A big something. 

On Sunday Grace started vomiting. She had the stomach flu but suddenly all my anxious energy took my brain to very dark places. It followed two days of hard stuff.

But I need to go back a few years for you to understand. 

When Grace was about six months she got sick. She stopped being able to sit up. She could barely lift her head. Her fever was about 105. She was lethargic and could barely nurse and cry, and they started testing her for things. The worst part? She barely cried during any of the tests. She was that sick. When we found out she had a kidney infection, we were relieved and terrified. Because we knew kidney infections weren’t considered a regular childhood illness, and while it could be treated it could mean other stuff.  So, she had to have more tests, excruciating tests where I cried with her. And was later diagnosed with Urinal Reflux. The following 5 years she remained on a low dose of antibiotics. They tried a couple of times to wean her off her meds but each time she would come down with another horrible kidney infection. Each time they would have to give her a catheter to check her, and it was traumatic.  So we, along with her pediatrician and urologist decided to just keep her on the low dose. The surgery success rates weren’t high enough for me. I was tired of seeing her little body go through so much. 

Eventually she made it two years without an outbreak infection. We did a trial and she didn’t have an infection. It was always the best case scenario but was terrifying to say the least. Grace had outgrown it. She hasn’t had a kidney infection for 30 months.

When I write Grace is the strongest person I’ve ever met, I say it with conviction. I saw how sick she would become and I also saw her spirit. I saw how hard her little body fought. I also realized very early on…she never ever took a moment of her little life for granted. She was known by all the pharmacy women as Amazing Grace, and brings joy to everyone who met her through the process.

But while she knew her life was a gift, I held the fragility of every one of her moments with an anxious grip. 

I still remember driving to one of her appointments saying over and over to God “You can’t take another daughter, you got one.” I was so terrified all the time. 

But what I later learned was as I gave her to Him…the anxiety would lessen, and I was a better mother. I wasn’t parenting in Fear, but parenting in Appreciation and Hope.
But it’s amazing how old darkness is the first place we go…

Recently I read an amazing memoir by one of my favorite authors Heather Kopp called “Sober Mercies.” It’s her own journey through alcoholism and recovery, and also her journey being a Mother of an addict as well…all tied up with her relationship with God. It’s the kind of book that has sat with me for weeks after I read it. I can’t recommend it enough.

 But one part in particular sat with me…as she writes about her own fragile recovery and worrying about her Son. It struck a cord…and has continued to. 


I’ve reread this page multiple times the last month. As I trusted God. 

I’ve shared it with friends who are in the same place. And in a hard place with God. This God they are angry at. But still they pray…because life without Him is all darkness. 

A lot of big things are happening in my life. And there are a lot of unknowns, and a lot of things I don’t understand. 

But I’m in. 


I trust you. 

I won’t take Life, or You for Granted…even though I don’t know the outcome here. 

I’m in…for eternity. For You. 

I trust you.