Well I actually thought today was the 9th. That’s kind of how this week has been. I forgot to write on the 8th too. 

This week is…

A blur. 

The wind has been howling. The rain has been pouring. And thunder and lightening woke me up at 430 am. 

I did what I usually do. 

I prayed. And then I thought. 

I’ve come to the conclusion that I think too much sometimes. But if I listen close enough during those moments…God throws something in there. 

I had a lot of thoughts last night. 

My husband said once a couple months ago after my mouth unleashed a plethora of my own perceived inadequacies and shortfalls, “I think you’re having a weird midlife crisis in your head.” 

And maybe I am. 

But I feel like there’s been this tug of war between how God wants me to view myself, and how I view myself. One side pulls from all my gifts and strengths, but the other clings to  my shortcomings and shortfalls. 

And I’m not talking about the outer layers- because I’m pretty open that I am constantly working, and struggling to love myself how I am in this season. 

But I’m talking about all the ways I don’t add up…these are the things I think about at night. 

I asked myself last night “where did your brave go?” 

Don’t get me wrong, I’ve done brave things this year…but I also started doubting myself in new ways. It seems like things come naturally to people, while I wait for the next step. 

I’ve come to the conclusion that writing for a year- maybe, it’s not going to change others lives. But it’s changed me. 

Along with God, only by the grace of God. 

Some weeks have been filled with clarity. 

And some? 

They’ve been a blur. 

We go through the motions, and pray for a good nights sleep, and for the sun again. 

And while my mind may be raining with doubts, my outpouring of blessings has been vast and huge. 

And here’s what God spoke into my heart in the very early morning…

I never was a good test taker. I envy those who are. But life isn’t some test. You may be great at multiple choice, but if you can’t wait out the storm- you are going fail at learning to see the little things. The little things can tell you more about the big things that matter…

If you are always focused on how the thunder scares you and how the lightening affects; you won’t shelter others when they need you most. If you can study and memorize answers, but don’t know how to be present…you will fail, ever single time. 
Tomorrow is another day. And rain is in the forecast. And life is good. God is good.