The last four years have been hard. My health went from being optimal to slowing creeping and spiraling down to a place I don’t know. A person I don’t often recognize. Last month I was so hopeful my surgery would reap answers, and I did get a good one- I’m cancer free, but a whole new door became opened. Another surgery looms, and most of my questions are still there. 

Every morning when I wake up I tell myself “today…today I will be able to be me again, today I will be able to run and have energy again,” and not feel like my body has betrayed me. I haven’t written much about this, and I haven’t wanted to share much because I am someone who is hopeful…every closed door, every month where things haven’t improved have left me feeling hopeless and discouraged. And I can’t even begin to tell you how much this has effected my family. 

This morning I looked over the vastness of Crater Lake, probably one of the most beautiful things I’ve ever seen and I thought about how a huge mountain erupted into the ground creating something different, something so beautiful you can’t look away. Maybe that’s what God is doing to me, maybe he’s taking every pretense, every confidence and creating a hole in me that only he can fill. 


Today I am working on focusing on the good. But I feel that in order to be real, I have to focus on the deep crevices too. Because right now…that’s where I am. This is where I am. 

Looking at Crater Lake made me feel Hope, maybe not in my health, but Hope in the Glory of God. 

Maybe hope can bloom in me again.  In the right now.

*i had to hike up a hill to write this as I have no wifi, and a deer ran right by me and Danny. I swear God and Nature are in cahoots.