Today, my husband and our oldest son Jonah walked 21 miles through Portugal heading towards Compestelo Spain. They are on the Camino De Santiago together- a trip we’ve been saving for for 6 years since my husband returned from journeying on it with our dear friend. They have already been gone 6 days. 

This year, our marriage has been tested and stretched farther than any other point in the 17 years since we said our vows. So many components of our life have been tested, and the stress and pressure from a broken world has threatened to hurt ours. 

Today, I found another note He left me. A note telling me He’s praying for me. Telling me loves me. I’ve found them in every part of the house…in drawers, in my favorite coffee mug, inside the flap of my kindle. I have loved them so much. 

This year, as a family we have had to deal with grief and loss of family, fear over health issues,  disappointment due to deep cutting rejections, and even financial stress of a big family, a big house, and the ever growing demands on us at work and school. It seems that whenever we felt we were finally able to breath, we had to start  running again to catch up. Our pace was never the same. That’s hard. 

Today, I missed my two guys so much my heart hurt. Up until now I have been so busy I didn’t have time to think how empty our house feels without Jonah’s long legs hanging over the couch. Or how much I miss the warm coffee I wake up to every morning because Dyp always gets it ready for me the night before.  These things seem so inconsequential…but they are so important. I miss my Jonah’s sweet laugh, and Dyp’s hugs. 

This year, and last year, and the year before that, being a police family sucks. No matter what we say or do, we spend most of our time in fear over safety, over the public’s never ending scrutiny. You think you hate bad cops? Try being a good one..they detest everything about shitty cops– it makes their job hell. But what’s even more is when good men and women are being attacked for doing their job, and hated when the media has depicted something without including all the crucial facts*. I don’t want to get into logistics or arguments because I will never win. I only know what we live through, and it has taken a big HUGE toll on my family. My husband will never win big awards. He’ll never be noticed for the lives he’s saved by the public. But I know. I see him. And I’m so proud of how hard he works in this community. That has been one of the biggest graces of him being gone…I don’t fear for him at work.  It’s so hard been hated for doing the right thing. 

Today, he has been praying. This whole trip He’s been praying constantly. When he did this walk six years ago,  it was a couple months after his friend was killed on duty. He prayed for their family nonstop. He prayed for the safety of all our officers. He prays for his enemies too. He prays for the people who hate him. He prays for the President and our Country. And He prays for Me. He prays so hard for me, and the kids. What a gift to have someone who loves me so much. 

This year, they are on the trip of a lifetime. And in writing this and putting these words to life as I cry I am finding a little bit of my voice again. My real. Something God has constantly told me to share. On the good days. On the real days. It’s come as you are here. 

Today, my Hero walked 21 miles with our son. We’ve been dating 21+ years. We’ve walked by each other’s side through the good and hard things. No matter how many miles a part we are…we’re in this. We trust God. And He’s got this. He’s got us. 

To God be the Glory. July 23. K 

*my husband is rarely on social media and doesn’t read the news. He doesn’t care what people think because he does his job, and serves people. He doesn’t care because He has had to look beyond the critics to see the purpose, and his purpose is to keep people safe. And then he comes home(the goal is to make it home safely every day). He discovered limiting those outlets is a gift to our family. Our kids however have suffered, they can’t seem to get away from it, and that’s been so very hard. But they know their Dad is a hero and they have been raised surrounded by his friends and coworkers who would do anything for them as well. And they adore their Dad because everything he does is to Glorify God and take care of us. I do care what people think, almost too much. I’m working on figuring out a balance.