I can’t remember the last time I felt motivation to write. Everytime I tried to start it all felt so heavy. 

The world  was too heavy. My heart was too heavy. I couldn’t find a way to weave hope into all the heaviness that kept me cowering in a corner with anxiety. 

Yeah I was cowering. Because my whole life when it’s come to Me and Anxiety, anxiety has always won. 

Around late June I noticed I was getting increasingly tired and anxious. I began to take longer naps in the day, and not just because of my anemia. At night my brain would race…never turning off. There was a murkiness that had settled over me, and it was all so heavy. 

I was starting to break slowly. 

Truth be told…I get anxious around silly things: classes at the gym with no fans and circulating air, public pools, social settings where I don’t have safe people, parking in a crowded parking lot, and anyone who calls Nickleback and Florida Georgia Line their favorite bands.

See? I’m a hot mess. 

And I couldn’t write. 

Because it was all too heavy. Because words seemed too complicated. Because life was so busy. And because of you…you, my readers, who have read my words and seen the pendulum swing for me. I’ve shared overcoming depression and anxiety. I speak of the Grace of healing and giving it all to God. 

And yet. And yet…here I was. Again. 

And my anxiety also led to fear. Real fear that affects my family. Real fear that has been blown up from the media and people who I thought I knew…and who I trusted. 

And I just couldn’t. I could not. 

Battling back against anxiety and depression takes work…God can bring great healing and restoration, but you’ve got to be willing to work. When you’re in that head space-  all of it is seductive. It’s comfortable. Especially when that’s what you’ve always gone to…isolate, sleep, and numb so you don’t have to really feel stuff. And if you think it doesn’t take a toll on your people, it does. 

I had to seek out what I know will always work. Tell people where I am, not physically but emotionally, and be willing to do the work…counseling, meds, exercise, all of it is the work I do. And I work hard.  Tell people who I am, and if they can’t be a safe place for me and my family, they have no place in my life or my heart anymore. Tell people I love, I need them…to be there, and I have to know they may not always show up. But that’s no excuse for me not to put in the work. And prayer, prayer and my God always works. 

My faith is my safest resting place.  I give it all to God every single day. 

And my life…is a good life. 

So here I am…bearing a little part of my soul, and all my wobbly bits. I’ve decided to write in my blog everyday for the rest of the summer. 

To share my real again. 

To share my words again. 

Because maybe through it all you’ll find some hope. Maybe you’ll see yourself. 

Or maybe, just maybe you’ll rejoice in your real and your life. 

So, here I am…Not broken. Just a little cracked. The light shines through every day.