(This post took a little longer and a little more perspective to post…writing everyday recently has been a challenge mostly because I want to write what God’s calling me to write, however the last couple weeks have been hard. But this is real life and so I restart and I write.) 

The thing is…

Once life has shattered into a million little pieces, and you see everything splayed all over the floor…all your real, even when you put it back together, especially when you try desperately to put it all back together they will still be there. 

And you never really get used to it. Because it may look kind of like you. And feel once in a while sort of like you…it’s not you. It’s like some sort of new imposter in your body, mind, and soul. 

For a while the wholeness of feeling everything again, was the only thing I needed. However, lately the cracks have been more visible to me. On the surface, across my heart. 

And you know what? I’m sick of the cracks. 

For almost 11 years I practiced what I preached. I swept away a lifetime of negative body talk the day my first child was born and promised I would never ever speak negative about myself around my children. After my second child was born I transformed my health. I worked out 6 days a week. My weight was healthy. And it stayed that way. I was healthy. I never caved to yoyo dieting or gave into fads…okay, I DID buy Tae Bo. I ate birthday cake and didn’t shame myself. At work, I have worked and helped people get healthy in moderation for the rest of their lives. We don’t talk about weight in my house, we talk about health…and that goes beyond working out, and eating right- health by what we watch on TV and what else we are exposed to. 

And if you ask me if I’ve tried crossfit I may punch you in the face. Because it’s not about a workout. 

It’s about me. 

So right now this big huge crack that has arrived in the past year with my self image, with my health, has completely shattered the hard work I have done over those years. And yes I know my self worth isn’t based on all this, I get that, I’m passionate about that… I just think it’s not fair. 

There I said it. It’s not fair. 

All that hard work to be right here. With all these cracks.

And it’s hard because I feel like there are the people that know me, who were there, who saw how much I changed and how I really took on a healthy view of life. Because that’s where the issue lies.  I want to feel better, but I also wanted one place to be untouched when it shattered. This was something I had never given up on. 

I never got to finish college, but that is something I knew would shape the rest of my kids lives…the right kind of healthy. That’s worth way more to me than a piece of paper. 

I want to feel better. I’ve done the work. And I want to see results when I’m trying so hard. If there’s a lesson in all of this, I’m not getting it. Because this whole self care thing is a whole lotta work. And when it’s not working all I see are cracks. Lots and lots of cracks. 

Do you hear me Lord?!

 I don’t want this lesson anymore. This lesson sucks. I learned this lesson 11 years ago. This time though I did everything right, I never veered off track. And here I am. I haven’t used excuses. I keep giving this to you, begging you to just let me love me, right in the right now. To give me answers, right in the right here. 

Here’s where I’ve been different this time…

 I haven’t hid away, not like Before.  I’ve allowed myself in pictures. I’ve even let them be posted. I haven’t hid from commitments or joy- I tried out for an 80’s band for crying out loud, and will be performing with them in 2 weeks. Hello? Is this me you’re looking for??? 

I even wore freaking shorts! That is monumental. I. Wore. Shorts. 

In front of people! 

And I still have never spoke to my kids about any of this. 

Because when I break it down, I know where my self worth stands…it’s in the fact that in all the years I’ve been married I have always shown up, every single day and tried. I’ve never quit.

 It’s the fact that my kids know that I love them, that I am right there with them, and that their self worth is not about how they look, how they perform in sports or school- it will always be about who they are to this world. 

And that is where I saw the lesson.

My family didn’t shatter. I did. My family was doesn’t see the cracks. I do. 

And while my real might be clamoring to wake up and feel whole again- I have found my brave in the right now. I show up to work. I go to church. And I speak the real, the uncomfortable. I won’t stop because of the cracks. They are there. But so am I. 

As I was writing this I remembered how as a child I would always step over the cracks never allowing any weight to rest on them. Because of bad luck. My best friend and I would always make sure to not let a pole seperate us as we walked places. I would make deals with God. I was so busy focusing on how to avoid the bad that I never realized the good. 

God works in the cracks. 

He rebuilds the shattered. And leaves spaces. For Him. 

Because we aren’t done. 

And yeah this isn’t fair, not really. But I wasn’t promised fair. I was promised life. 

Messy, beautiful, real life. 

I will find good. I will love. I will work. And I will pray that God will continue to restore me. He has already done so much…

I’m still here. 

Look at me, all cracked and stuff.