February 10. Saying Yes.

“I know. Somehow I’ve always known.” -Princess Leia

I am wearing my Princess Leia shirt today.

Because I woke up at 3:45 and couldn’t fall back asleep. Because I thought of what I have been called to so far, and don’t know if I can.

What if I mess it up? What if I do it wrong? What if I don’t give God the Glory of my real?

I am scared.

Yesterday what I wrote struck a chord. It pierced right underneath my skin and flowed through my veins straight to my heart, and scared the day lights out of me…

Because the words were deliberate and meant for people, but they flowed through me as messages from someone much bigger. And you may think I am just saying that. But I’m not.

I’m not that good of a writer.

And it scared me. Because I’m scared of a whole lot of things.

I’m scared of the dark. I’m scared of bad guys. I’m scared of action movies. I’m scared of car problems. I’m scared of abscesses. I’m scared of tight spaces. I’m scared of guns. I’m afraid of large bodies of water. I’m afraid of Panda Express. I’m afraid of Public Restrooms at Rest Stops. I’m scared of terrorists. I’m scared of backing into spaces while parking. I’m scared of Cougars. I’m scared of being incarcerated. I’m scared of cliffs. I’m scared that my future daughter in laws won’t like me. I’m scared of losing my kids. I’m scared of losing my husband or of him falling out of love with me.

And…

I’m scared of failing.

Myself. My family. My God.

I’m so scared.

This morning as I watched the sky lose its darkness and become morning, something real came to me. Since I started feeling life again- I get all these glimpses of little truth.

Last year I said Yes. To a lot. To God and came out completely shattered.

Last year I learned about loss and grief, and learned about the terrifying world of being numb and living in darkness.

But I also learned that the way I had been living for a very long time before that was not living. I can’t just give and give and give…and not sleep. I have to take care of myself. I have to be ok with, as much as it is against every part of me, setting boundaries.
Drawing a line. For my family. For me.

I learned that getting better, and becoming Me- the authentic better version of me, means loving myself enough to put myself back on my list.

This getting better…means my relationships may be different, but the ones that will stay are the keepers. The ones that count, they want me…here.

It means saying No, and being ok with that.

Or more realistically trying to be ok with that.

I don’t want to let anyone down. I don’t want anyone to give up on me. And I’m scared they will.

But never again, will I give up on myself. I’ve come too far.

I’m scared. But I’m not alone.

And I’ll admit it…

I’m different. But the parts that count…my love, my children, and my Yes to God is revealing a brand new Real I have been waiting my entire life for.

And writing is just a small part of it…but the rest is coming. And I don’t know what it is. But I know it’s big. I can feel it.

And I am scared.

Because I said Yes.

He always knew I would.

I’m wearing my Princess Leia Shirt. Because even if she was afraid, she called for help, and moved. She moved.

I might mess this all up. But I will do my Best to Give God the Glory…if I am
the only one changed- I have been more brave than I ever imagined.

Investing in his Glory outweighs every single thing I’ve ever been afraid of.

Yes. I will.

Long before there was you, or me…he knew our Yes. He knew we’d be scared, but he knew our answer.

Now my friends…What do you need to say yes to? What are you scared of?