February 8. Seasons.

The weather is pretty gloomy. Rain off and on. My kids love it when it’s pouring…they have a trench built for their army men and come back in muddy and spent.

But one has been sick and isn’t allowed out side in the drizzle. And has been complaining nonstop. Crying crocodile years about why she can’t go out. Even though yesterday I let her and she came in chilled.

So…It’s pretty gloomy inside too.

This past couple weeks were two of the most strange-stretching-growing weeks I’ve had in a long time. Looking back I’m confused about so much of it trying to find the lesson in it.

What could I have done differently? So much.

I am the queen of second guessing myself. I will mull over conversations for days if I feel like I may have said the wrong thing, or hurt someone.

Oh Sweet Taylor Swift, I try to Shake it Off, and I just can’t.

This morning I woke up and looked out at the Grey Winter Sky.

Soon it will be spring. Another season.

I started to think about seasons after this past week. One of the hardest parts of it was I lost a potential friend that I really thought I had a lot in common with. We share our faith but…

There were other factors. There always is.

And then I started thinking about something I’ve heard lately, about seasons of friendships. Every friendship has a season, and sometimes you might really love someone but that doesn’t mean you’ll always be friends. That doesn’t mean that you will last until the spring.

Which is hard for me.

Because I am loyal to a fault. Recently, in fact today, my husband mentioned a particular relationship that I have always worked so hard at and said “but you always end up hurt. You always end up crying. And then you forget.”

And it’s true. It can be one sided. But I love this person. I really love them.

A while back I realized the season of this friendship may have ended. It was probably my most prized friendship in many ways, like my roses out back. But time and circumstances, and weather and priorities, has worn down and made the stems brittle and they break easily. I tried so hard to save them but I didn’t know how. I didn’t remember the last time the friendship had been a give and take. I had spent years trying so hard, but felt like maybe I didn’t matter as much to them as they did to me. And then
I got sick, and they didn’t know how to love me.

Which I understand, because I wasn’t a great friend then. But I needed them. I still do.

I cried for hours and hours, which isn’t really a surprise, because I cry at commercials…but I have grieved. I’m still grieving, I’m still hoping that when spring comes along that the roses that will begin to bloom. That this season was just that…that I actually matter to this person.

Because I love them.

And I have had to prune back. I’ve had to stop trying so hard. In every part of my life. I know I’m not the best at everything right now, but I also know that this season just like the previous one is stretching me. It is giving me strength I never knew I had. And weakness I never knew I had.

Because this hurts.

But in order to grow I have to feel this. And know this.

I was reading Ecclesiastes 3 today and was reflecting on how everything has a season and I read on…

“I know that whatever God does endures forever; nothing can be added to it, nor anything taken away from
It; God has done this, so that all should stand in awe of him. That which is, already has been; that which is to be, already is; and what God seeks out what has gone by.” – Ecclesiastes 3: 14-15

I sat. I prayed. And surprise, surprise I cried.

Because I always think when people don’t like me, or when friendship is one sided it’s me. It’s my fault. It’s what I’ve done wrong.

But God…what God does endures forever. So if this season brings growth and brings unity- I will stand in awe. Because when I focus on everything I could have done differently, I take away from what God is doing.

Everything has a time. Everything has a season. But He’s in charge.

My real is full of weeds and thorns.

But he is good.

And he seeks out what is, was, what will be, and already is…and he can clear my real out. And I second guess.

So today I plan to love. Love through the gloom. Love even when I know that this season may last longer than I want. Love because I am in awe of each Season and what it brings. Love even if that means something has gone by- and I may never get it back, or see it grow again.

I will love. This season.

He will seek. He will do. He endures.