Dear Mary,

Today you would be nine. I spent the morning with you on your hill but I knew you weren’t there. Still it is nice to have a little spot that is all yours.
I gave you daisies and little pin wheels and a pink butterfly. I wonder if pink would still be your favorite color if you were here. Even though I never got to see you outside the womb I just knew that would be your color.

I listened to my song for you “The Promise” as I drove to your hill. It’s amazing how that song sums up so much emotion and longing about theĀ vast space in my heart that is always yours.

Mary Therese. My daughter. I love your name. Last week I woke up so sad that I couldn’t get out of bed. It was a weary sadness and I kept thinking that this year would be different. This year I wouldn’t be so sad. This year I wouldn’t miss you so much. Because it’s been nine years. Because I should be okay that you are in heaven, and not here.

But that’s a lie. I’m not over it. I always miss you. And while I am okay, and many days I am at peace that you are with Jesus, I’m never okay that you aren’t with me. You are such a huge part of us. Your sister told me yesterday that you are always with her. Thank you for being such a good big sister to her from heaven.

Today, I went to “Heaven is For Real” by myself. I sat in the dark theatre, tears streaming the whole time, as I watched the true story that helped heal my heart, and I thanked God for the gift of your little life. A life you get to spend eternity in. A life that I carried with in me. I didn’t have to apologize once for my tears. And I was able to think of you the whole time.

Mary, I can’t wait to see you again. When Uncle Robert died, I knew he got to see you that day. In fact, I was actually a little jealous of him, because I bet he just loves you. I would do anything for five minutes with you. And I know you love him- he’s the absolute best. Will you tell him how much we miss him?

I…miss…you.

Tonight I will go to work and your brothers will have baseball and I will think of you constantly. Life has moved, but today is always your day and you will be my inspiration- to live a life however short or long with the intent to “leave a mark.” Tonight, I will open your box and hold your blankie and I will think of the mark that is left on my heart. The mark that is part of my soul. A mark only for you. And I will do my absolute best to live a life worthy enough to join you, with Daddy, and your siblings someday- in the presence of Jesus.

I know I can’t be the Mom with you right now, so please see your name sake, Mother Mary if you need anything. She is a good mom and I hope to be just like her.

I love you so much Mary. I always will.

Please wait for me.

Love, Mommy.

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