I should be asleep. It’s 2:45 in the morning, and I should be dreaming. I’m supposed to be up, driving to Boot Camp in three hours…but instead I sit in a dimly lit room, surrounded by boxes, wide awake.  I’ve been trying to fall back asleep for the past hour, but our too warm apartment combined with sharing a full size bed with a warm Italian and a 27 pound-Dora nightgown wearing-wispy hair flinging bed hog is a bit impossible.  And the small building of anxiety in the pit of my stomach just won’t seem to go away.  Like little bees it keeps buzzing at me, keeping me awake.

It’s not necessarily bad anxiety, its the buzz of anticipation/unknown/uncertainty. Buzz, Buzz, Buzzzz.

In two nights I will go to bed in our new house.  Someday I hope to write about the story of how it all came about the selling of our home of nine years and buying this home. How it truly is a testament of prayer and trusting, but right now I don’t know that I could give it justice in words. I’m too tired, but it’s a good story. I’m so excited.

In last six weeks we’ve been living in an apartment. It hasn’t been horrible, though having six people in such a small space has been a definite test of all of our patience.  DYP and I had this great idea to just bring our guest room, full size bed and share it for this short time…which has also been another test.  I’m extremely claustrophobic, and a full size bed is really really small compared to the king size bed we’ve had our entire marriage.  And tonight of course on a night where I need sleep Grace has her first night terror in months. Little things like this have been an ongoing theme of the past weeks, I’m learning how far I can be stretched patience wise.  Someday we’ll talk about this with the kids, what a great adventure it was. I’m trying to focus on that, not the fact that we’ve all been living out of bins, that my boys marbles and lego’s never seem to be cleaned up, and that I sneeze every time I’m in the boys closet because I’m fairly certain the tenants before us owned at least 40 cats. But again, it’s an adventure. I’ve loved living near the river, running by it, seeing the boys leave with their Dad to go fishing in the evening.

A couple weeks ago, I took a little hiatus from facebook along with quite a few other things.  It started as a religious fast, but kind of transformed into so much more than that.  Instead of checking facebook, or even the computer, I prayed or spent time just being present with the people around me.  In the past months I’d become acutely aware of how often when I was with people they were engaged on their phones…facebook, twitter, pinterest, texting, instead of being with me, they weren’t with me.  And it really bothered me.  A lot.  So instead of it just being a prayer, I used it as an opportunity to be in the moment with my kids, I want to be fully present to them.  I want to listen to them.  I want to show them that they are more important then anything on my phone.  I want to show them they are worth my time.

So much of my life and schedule is ruled by time. Time to get up, how much time it takes to get myself plus four others out the door. There are weeks that I can’t even recall what we did, but then I remember what I was wearing when I met DYP.  So lately while packing, again, I’ve had time to think.  Which may be why its now well after three and I’m still awake.


We’ve moved twice now, once we moved most of our big stuff into the garage of our new house, once the rest of our stuff in this apartment and now Saturday we move our stuff from here and the garage into the house.  This has been a true test for both me and DYP because we both detest asking for help. But we’re having to ask for help to move, asking people to make time.Again.  Asking for help is a buzz kill, pardon the horrible three am pun.


Wondering when I’m going to stop worrying about what people think…I’ve had to miss boot camp twice because of DYP’s schedule, and yet since I can’t sleep I’m worried people will think I’m a slacker because I didn’t make the time. I only slept 3 hours before the last one, and it showed, I was dragging and was behind, and then I beat myself up for not being able to stretch myself even thinner…even when that means I’m not taking care of myself.


For months I’ve been stressing out about Grace not potty training.  I have three older boys who were late potty trainers, and essentially when they were ready completely potty trained themselves in less then a week.  But I tried methods I heard worked for others with Grace…stressed about her not getting it. And two days ago after only going on the potty once before ever – she started going.  She had two accidents the first day, none today, and goes in on her own. I cried with relief, but also kicked myself because she was like her brothers – she did it on her own time.  Why couldn’t I just let her do that? Also whoever said potty training girls is easier is full of crap.  After four times of this I think I have the statistics to say, that kids potty train when they are ready, it’s not anything you’re doing.  If your kid potty trained when they were three months they were ready…it worked. So there.

buzz buzz buzz.

So in two nights I’m moved again, and can start to maybe begin to let some of this anxiety go…let this stress peel away.  But I’m glad I took a break from things to re access who I want to be, where I am. And I want to be here.

If there’s anything I’ve relearned in the past months through this whole process is that our family theme really is true.  Familia es Todo. Family is All.  And I want to be here, because if I was distracted I might’ve missed out on…

Jonah telling me and Amy nonchalantly on the last day of school he was asked “out.” And he told the very sweet pretty girl, who had kind of been a poop to him all year, that he wasn’t allowed to date. And told me he didn’t think he’d be ready until he was 16.

Daniel saying to me, “Face it Mom, you kind of are out of the 1950’s.” Okaaay.

Micah learning to tie his shoes, and telling me…”This might be the best day of my life. Until next week.”

And being a part of every phone call Grace made to her Dad, and Nay Nay, and all of the people who celebrated her pooping and peeing, including my book club.  And hearing her say to her Dad, “Daddy, this is a really big deal.”

That is better than any buzz, and I’m okay with being stretched if I can have these amazing little moments remind me that I am truly blessed, that they are ALL I need.  It would sting if I hadn’t noticed.

I’ve always said I want people to say I’m reliable and I made them laugh…can I add that when I was with them, I was there?  I showed up. Because I really don’t want to miss out on any moment with the people who matter. Especially the people who show up for me.