The last two months we’ve had the most brilliant bright sunsets in the sky.

The last two months all my home states, have been burning.

Montana, Washington, and my home for the last 20 years, Oregon.

Last week we couldn’t even see the sky any more. I would sneeze and taste fire. In my Throat, in my chest.

On the other side of the country, water has poured down. Flooding cities. Rushing and breaking, and disassembling, leaving nothing behind.

Each end of the country is bracing for what’s next.

There are things bigger than all of us.

And we are so divided. In so many ways.

At least that’s what social media tells me.

This week happened…the smoke began to clear…and yet, Another hurricane. Terrorists attacked across the ocean. A trooper was shot outside of town. The world suddenly feels so small, and close. I prayed for people I don’t know. Things I don’t understand.

This morning the smoke was back.

Hazy. Closing in.

Here, in my little corner of the

earth, big things have happened.

The ground beneath me in places that I thought were safe have shifted.

I had to make choices I didn’t want to make. In fact it was the hardest, most difficult decisions I’ve had to make. Walking away on shaking legs from something I had built, and love desperately.

Suddenly something God had called me to, became something God told me to walk away from. It has left my heart broken. In fact I can’t talk about it without tearing up. I can’t write about it without my hands shaking.

And I can’t share the details because it is bigger than me, and people are involved and, darn it, it’s just so hard to be a grown up…

But it has me, totally, and completely crushed. And that’s the truth.

I’ve been afraid. Because I don’t know what’s next.

And I don’t know the Why…not really.

I just know God sometimes speaks through the hardest things. So I’m waiting.

And waiting.

And waiting.

For the smoke to clear. For the next step.

I’ve been waiting most of the time on my knees. I’ve found myself called to that lately. Praying on my knees, completely surrendering what I don’t know.

I’m not good at it. I’m not a patient person(ask my kids).

But in the waiting there lies my Faith.

Being Faithful is something I’m clinging to…until I know.

I do know something.

I know God is good.

I know God is real.

I know God has never ever led us to a place to desert us.

So I’m trusting in that…in the waiting. In the brokenness.

I read this quote last week…

“Being Faithful does not mean you are fearless. It just means your faith is greatest than your fear.” -Christine Caine

So I wait.

In Faith.

to God be the glory.

Ps. I need to give a shout out to my kids and my husband who have lived with me this last month. They are amazing…and their love and faithfulness is a gift to me.