Hi, my name is Kristin and I’d like Motherhood with a side of guilt…

No I never asked for it. It came for free. A little something extra.

This week the guilt is big HUGE stuff. 

It’s right there. When I try to sleep at night I feel guilty. Was I there enough? Did I do enough? 

Do. They. Know. I. Love. Them? 

It’s the second week of school and the routine is still new, the oh so busy is still new…and I feel so much guilt. Because we are all feeling the busy. 

Which piles on more guilt. 

Maybe it’s because I’ve branched out beyond just doing things for the family. I have a couple of my own things. And while I keep hearing how important things it is for me to do that…I have a little secret, the past 14 years my entire identity has been in being a good Mother. 

Not a perfect mother. But a good one. 

And it’s hard for me to admit that. But it’s there- it has defined me. And in many ways that gave me a lot of good excuses to avoid looking at my own stuff. Because I was focused on the feeding, clothing, loving of the mind, body, and spirit of my kids. 

I have lived it completely. 

So even though people say it’s good for me to have and do things beyond what has been my life, it is like a foreign language I don’t speak. I don’t understand. I don’t know how. 

I’m trying really hard. But I haven’t found the balance…yet. 

So tonight I came home from singing and I lay on the couch as my family slept, and I asked myself what I would say to a friend if they were in my shoes. I pretended I was my own friend…I closed my eyes and spoke into my heart. And I’m pretty sure the Holy Spirit whispered a little too. And I’m writing it- even with my fear you’ll think I’m a narcissist- and I actually feel guilty about that…but here goes: 

You are a good mom. You are. You love your kids. You are their biggest defender and their biggest cheerleader. You are there every single day. You’ve only left them 6 times since you’ve been a mother overnight. You are there. 

It’s not perfect, but you never wanted to be. Because you want them to see your flaws, to know people will make mistakes. That they will fail and have to apologize.  You want them to know how to forgive. And love so hard, even though your heart may break- you still loved. You wanted to share your real. 

And your kids are so proud of you. They believe in you. You see flaws and they see you. And they will never doubt your love. Ever.

That. 

So, maybe we should all spend time speaking light into our hearts and not feeding the guilt.  I’m not quite there yet but I will tell you something- even though I ask myself questions after dark…I already know the answer. My kids know that they are my greatest accomplishment. 

I haven’t found the balance yet but I’m trying. And tonight I may sleep better of this…my kids know. They know, they know, they know. And I know that they know I love them.