January 18. Let them be…

He was excited to go to the birthday party today…until we were on our way. He started to get really nervous and kept asking me if I’d stay, “Just in case.”

“Just in case what?” I asked.

“In case I’m too shy.”

All my kids have had moments of shyness, Daniel didn’t talk in preschool until after Christmas his first year. And Jonah still gets shy in new surroundings. But Curly…Curly is extremely shy.

Since the age of one he has received a lot of attention. Because of his looks- and hair, and eyelashes…we’ve been approached to get him
into modeling. And we’ve said no, because if you see his class pictures- it looks like a mugshot. He is so shy he doesn’t want to stand out- he doesn’t want to be the center of attention.

When he’s comfortable and he trusts you- he gives you the biggest smile and will talk to you. Especially if it’s a small group, but if it’s big- he will fold into himself and just want to leave.

And sometimes, as his parent that is hard.
Really hard.

So we have ongoing dialogue, we talk about when shyness seems rude, and he is working so hard at trying to be a little braver. And in many ways he is succeeding, he’s speaks up in class once in a while, and he’ll talk to adults when he feels safe. But somedays, like today, it was really hard.

I’ve tried everything, but it’s not something I can change about him…

This is who he is.

Today when I was driving I was thinking of how often we try to change something about ourselves or others…when really, that’s them.

I’m not talking about changing things like chewing and talking with your mouth open or manners, or any other number of habits and normal things as parents we need to work on with our kids and guide them in. And if you’re kid is mean- by golly that’s never ok.

But in trying to change who they are…

“Don’t be a Baby. Stop crying!”

“Snap out of it!”

“Can’t you just focus?”

“Why aren’t you more organized?!”

And change who we are. Because all of those things I said to myself. This week.

I hate that I cry easy and that I am the kind of person who is so affected by movies and books I can’t watch them, otherwise they will stay with me for weeks. I’m not organized. And Sunday’s are hard. And I can’t always be who I should be.

I have tried so hard to change that. But that’s who I am.

And I’m working to be ok with that. My life and existence is a gift. It’s a gift and I am wonderfully made. A temple of the Holy Spirit.

You may not believe in God. But I do, because I have seen his work In my Life. And I know him, and I know what he is doing in me. And He makes wonderful things.

Things that shouldn’t be ignored.

8 years ago he brought a little boy into my life. Still grieving his sister born sleeping, he came quickly in five hours and all I could say over and over. “Is he alive? Is he alive?”

And he was…he would stare at me for hours as a baby, and was the easiest baby I’ve ever met. He slept in the bed attached to our bed, and I would wake him up during the night to make sure he was still breathing.

He wouldn’t cry. He would wake up and stare at me until his eyes became heavy and he’d fall back asleep.

He can fall asleep anywhere.

And still does.

He laughs harder than any of my other kids at things. He is a great athlete, fabulous student, and loves to write. When he loves you, he Loves you. He is fiercely loyal and has an imagination that enchants you. He loves his brothers and doesn’t like being without them, and his sister is his best friend.

I can’t imagine life without him.

And he is very shy.

Today instead of getting uptight or pressuring him, I stood behind him and said “I won’t leave.” I let him be…who he is. It took time and he warmed up enough to even say “thank you” before he left.

When we left he asked me, his big eyes wide,

“Did I do ok Mommy?”

And my heart filled up and ached, and I told him…

“Of course you did. You were so brave. You went and you stayed.”

Because this is who he is. And he is wonderfully made to be him.

I’m so glad I let him be…Micah.