January 12. “you are still beautiful.”

Did you know 10 years ago I lost 87 lbs? I probably told you about it, because after I lost it I gained a few things. I gained healthy eating habits. I gained a job and the opportunities that came with helping others change their lives. I gained an absolute love of exercise.

But about a year ago something happened.

I gained some weight back. I hadn’t changed my eating. I hadn’t changed my exercise. But what did happen, was my life changed. Stress began to weigh down on every part of my life and I gained 12 lbs that I had lost and kept off for years. It happened over night. The doctor called it a rise in Cortisol from stress related weight gain.

And it gave me no consolation. Because I’m a doer, not an excuser(is that a word?). But something else began to happen. I started down this path of self doubt. Even with everything I know. Especially with everything I know.

It doesn’t seem like a lot but it is when your clothes don’t fit. It is when it was the one thing I felt like I was really good at. And people are SO focused on weight. They want to praise it, and really it’s great, but it’s not when you’re struggling. It’s not when you just want people to love you because you are good and kind.

But I want to look good too.

I know…super pride here I come!

And it wasn’t as if I was one of those super fit, short shorts, half shirt, leave nothing to the imagination selfie takers.

Those people are annoying. But I also think they don’t love themselves either. Not the way they should. Not for why they are beautiful.

So I wasn’t a Yummy Mummy…

I was still me. With translucent skin, and spider veins, and saggy boobs, and stretch marks…but I fit into my clothes and I don’t care about those other things. The only person who needs to think I’m hot- is the man who has loved me most when I was a leaky breast- post baby- saggy hot mess.

So a Slummy Mummy, who was really ok with that.

But for me…I felt like last year, or what I will now call “the year which will not be mentioned” with all my learning, and growing, and being about as cracked as Humpty Dumpty- that maybe that part of me now should be bouncing back together again.

But it hasn’t.

And I hate it.

Because I’m different now. Not just with the weight. But on the inside. In my heart.
And I’m trying to figure out how when I started picking up the pieces, and God started healing me, that I forgot to remember how I used to be.

I don’t want to be so insecure. And I don’t want to still have such low days. I don’t want feel out of place at social functions. Or be so aware of what people think of me.

I just want to be me…again. With my clothes that fit.

But maybe. This is the real me. Now. I’m still getting to know her- but maybe she is the true in my skin, version of me. And I don’t know if I’m ok with that.

And yet…even with all my “don’t wants” I am realizing that I don’t want to be the one to try all the time, like I used to. I don’t want to be taken advantage of or waste my time with people who don’t really know me, or don’t even care to know the real me. Could I be both?

God…loves me. Even this new, still healing, still cracked open version of me. I am still a child of God. I’m still trying, moving, searching for his will in every facet of my life. Because he finds me worthy.

I’ve said it before but I was a damned good
mom before I lost my weight. And I still am.

I was a damned good wife as well.

But these self doubts were built over a life time of questioning whether I would ever be good enough. I remember as early as first grade, wondering if I was good enough. I remember being totally aware of how I didn’t always get things that others got. That I didn’t always understand how the other girls played, or how to react when they were mean. I was aware. That I stood out. That maybe I didn’t fit in. Early self doubt. Was I ever going to be good enough? Beautiful enough? Smart enough?

Especially for those I love…

Worthy enough.

Worth. It.

Oh…how my God…loves me. Today he loved me through a text from my friend Steph. A long time ago she and I were talking about the weight I had lost and she said she couldn’t imagine me having to lose that much weight. So randomly today I was cleaning and found a picture and texted it to her…

She texted back four powerful worlds…

You are still beautiful.

And It was as if the text came from heaven, because my day had been filled with all the doubts and don’t wants, and regrets about me. Who I was. Who I am. Today.

But my God…he loves who I am today.

You are still beautiful.

So, maybe I lost some of me in the year that shall not be mentioned.

But what did I gain?

I gained more Faith than I ever knew was possible.

I gained the knowledge of who was there and who my real friends are.

I gained a new-version of Me. And I think the little girl in the picture…the little girl in the dress her Mommy made…bright and bold- but so unsure, would like this me. She might even hold my hand. And walk with me. Because she never imagined her life could contain such beautiful blessings.

I lost so much.

But I gained Real.

I gained so much love.