Typically when I blog I have a few truths…

Write something I would want published.  Be polished.  Make it all come back together.  Make sense and give hope.

Today I don’t know that I will do any of those things.

Today, I will write what I know and hope that you can hear my voice through it.  It may not be as polished as my previous posts, but much of my life recently has had a rawness to it.

In the past 6 months there have been some big huge things going on in my family. When I say family, I am not just including my little family, but my entire family, that is big and a huge part of who I am.  These huge things, one that has completely turned some lives upside down and tested every inch of my faith in what is good and just… and another thing that is a spiritual/mental battle that has threatened to steal and take all that is good and someone I love so dearly has affected all of us.  Through it all we have persevered, but it is not easy.  Some nights I will wake up my teeth clenched so tight that my jaw aches, the skin on the inside of my arm scratched raw.  I have always been someone who has been an optimist, and I believe I still am, but these  situations have encompassed so many other emotions layered on emotions.   Anxiety,  Uncertainty, and the helplessness…

And while I have done my best to not to let it effect the rest of my life much of it has spilled out in my everyday life.

So this is what I know today:

I am not good at taking care of myself.  I am the first person to rationalize not taking care of. I’m working on that.

I love my husband, and I am so proud of how hard he works, but I miss him a lot because he works so hard. Someone told me today how annoying it is when someone gushes about their spouse, but I don’t take my spouse for granted. I know how blessed I am. And I truly believe my husband works harder then any person I’ve ever met.

There is nothing worse then being treated like “that parent” when your child is being treated poorly by someone who should know better.

Parenting is hard.

Being consistent is even harder.

Last week a child wrote in one of my kids classes that “Daniel X’s Mom is Fat.”  Bad Joke. We think they put two stories together and it wasn’t even meant to be written like that.  I know I’m not. And I played it off.  I cried later by myself. Even 87 lbs lost nine years ago, doesn’t change how we view ourselves.

No matter how old you get it never stings less being left out.

I don’t like being busy.  I don’t like feeling like I can’t catch up.  Lately, I’ve felt like I’m failing.

Recently I saw a side of myself I don’t like…and I’m going to have to make some changes. And that’s really scary.

Mary would be in first grade.  Still not over it.

Sometimes I feel really lonely. And it’s never gotten easier living far from family.

You know you’re not yourself when your two best friends Amy and Renee call three times to check in on you.

I believe in God.  I believe in God’s great love for me, but some big changes are coming.  And it’s going to taking a leap of faith, and trusting in God’s will.

What I know:

Today I’m putting on makeup. I’m putting on a bra.  I’m taking Jonah to piano, and I’m getting a Diet Dr. Pepper. And I’m going to keep going, because I know tomorrow is a new day.  And God is good.  We all have bad days or bad months…Things will get better. But today putting on makeup is a good start.

“Many Christians… find themselves defeated by the most psychological weapon that Satan uses against them. This weapon has the effectiveness of a deadly missile. Its name? Low self-esteem. Satan’s greatest psychological weapon is a gut level feeling of inferiority, inadequacy, and low self-worth This feeling shackles many Christians, in spite of wonderful spiritual experiences and knowledge of God’s Word. Although they understand their position as sons and daughters of God, they are tied up in knots, bound by a terrible feeling inferiority, and chained to a deep sense of worthlessness.” -David A Seamands.

I’m going to put on make up.  I’m going to make some changes. I’m going to remember that I am surrounded and loved by some of the best people ever.  I love my kids. I love my family.  And good will come out of all this bad, even if today I feel raw, and exposed.

I am blessed. I know that. I am not failing.