That’s what I am.  Well, that’s what I’m doing anyway. I’m putting myself out there.  I’m swallowing my pride, and fear, and worry, and am going to try being more brave.


Well, first I have to explain the reasons I wasn’t putting myself out there. Why I wasn’t putting myself  first. There is no real concrete answer. I just stink at it.  My love language is acts of service, so I would rather put everyone ahead of myself, make sure they’re comfortable rather than make sure I am.  I’m that way with my friends. I’m that way with my family. I’m that way as a Mother, I’m that way as a Wife.  But then I started noticing something…around September maybe.  I was resenting it.  I was resenting the fact that I hadn’t slept in months. I was resenting the fact that my time wasn’t mine anymore.  I couldn’t even go to the bathroom without an entourage.  And then a few things happened. Jonah, Daniel, and Chris got H1N1…Our “Fancy” Suburban broke down in the middle of an intersection(while I was wearing leggies and Grace wasn’t even wearing shoes or socks) in the pouring rain…Grace was officially diagnosed having Urinal Reflux…Our “Vanna-White” Van broke down…Then my cell phone broke…Then our home phone broke…Then our computer broke.  If I was a deeper person I’d have thought it was some weird vortex telling me that I was depending too much on worldly things. And then I broke.  I cried for five days straight. I sobbed to my Mom on the phone. I sobbed to my sister on the phone.   I cried to a friend in the preschool parking lot I couldn’t live a life where my entire life was serving everyone else. Even recently someone came to my WW meeting and saw me, and later said she told some mutual parents that I was hilarious at work, and they didn’t believe her. Maybe I had lost my sparkle.  I’d lost something.

And then I had to admit it.  I was never going to be “the perfect wife” in Proverbs. I was never going to be someone who my children would rise up to call blessed…Because at that moment I was broken.  Cracked right down the center.  Falling  apart.

So I chose to do something.  To put myself out there.  The first thing I did was demand time for myself. I started running again. I joined a running group.  What started out as once a week, became two, three, sometimes four times a week…I met other people who weren’t the best at it, the  fastest, but loved to do it.  I made it a part of my life. My time.  I had already planned to walk a half marathon with my Mom in June but when I found out about the Nike Women’s Half in September 2010  I signed up.  To run it.  Because why can’t I run a half marathon?  Why am I not worthy of being someone who can finish something that is 13 miles?  I lost 8osome pounds five years ago, why can’t I accomplish something else that great?  Because I was scared that I wasn’t good enough. And today I’m not good enough, but I will be.

I started making date night a priority again.  Nine Years ago I looked in Chris’s eyes and all I saw was Us.  Today Us involves a mortgage, children, debts, and responsibility.  We don’t have family here, so we don’t have the luxury of just calling someone to watch the kids for a few hours. Instead we pay $12 an hour, just to have time away. And it is worth every penny.  We don’t have the money, but we can’t afford to not have that time.  I don’t think it’s a coincidence that I fell in love with him when I was 17 and that we’ve been together since then.  We are not the perfect couple, we have to work really hard, but I love him today more than I ever could have imagined that day in 2000.

I’ve started praying more.  I pray more with Chris. I pray more with the kids.  I pray more because I miss my Grandpa so much it hurts and my heart breaks for my Grandma.  I pray because police officers are dying at the hands of evil people and I fear for my husband everyday. I pray because evil exists.  I pray in thanksgiving. I pray because I need too.

I’ve stopped apologizing. I’ve stopped apologizing to people who think I’m too overprotective because I don’t trust 99% of people with my kids. I’ve stopped apologizing for spending money to get my hair done. I’ve stopped apologizing for people who don’t watch or parent their kids. I’ve stopped apologizing for never being caught up on the laundry. I’ve stopped apologizing for my faith. I like to pray the Rosary. I think that being a catholic christian is awesome. I have friends that live different lifestyles, and I accept them because I love them and I don’t expect them to apologize. I’m not going to apologize anymore for being funny, or for not liking books about vampires.   I am a good consistent parent, and I don’t have to apologize for that.

I’ve also been trying to come to be honest, okay so I’m not there yet, with people who hurt my feelings.  Because I tend to put others first I am hoping to some day say that hurts my feelings  when…you don’t make time for me. When I’m always the first person you’ll cancel on when something better comes up. When you are late and don’t call. When you say you’ll read something I’ve written for you and you don’t. When we’re together and you text someone the whole time.  When you don’t support me. Because putting myself out there and having the previous experiences happen… to me that’s you saying You Don’t Love Me.  There I said it.

And lastly I am writing again. I resubmitted to a publisher.  I’m putting my material back out there, even though I’ll be rejected more than accepted.  I’m going to be brave.  How can I follow a dream if I’m not willing to put myself on the line…that’s not believing in myself, and I’m better than that.  I am.  I just forgot that for a while. And I’m not loving less, in fact I’ve found my capacity to love is greater than it’s ever been.  I love my husband and kids so very much. I love my life. And I love to write.

Recently I read something when I was out with my youngest beautiful sisters in Washington, it said:

“Blessed are the cracked, because they let in the light.”

I totally agree, until I was broken I was lost and couldn’t even recognize who I was anymore.  So here I am. Finally writing again. Out there. I’m out there.  It’s a great place to be.

Yep, I’m out there. So what?