Happy Fall! I took the summer off from writing my blog.  Instead I wrote for two publications and spent the rest of my time starting to write things and then turning off my computer, opening a book, and losing myself in someone else’s words.  I want to say I’ve worked on my manuscript, but I haven’t.  Between the boys and growing the baby I haven’t had much time to be creative. I celebrated my eighth anniversary,  and my Micah turned two.  Chris worked the Olympic trials. We went to two family camps, I saw family, and my brother in law left again for the desert. It was a great yet trying summer, but now with bedtimes strictly set and kids actually falling asleep, and Officer Yummy Pants still working the swing shift I’ve got the night to myself.  And I’m a whole lotta hormonal.

Lately I’ve been looking back at all of my pregnancies.  I’ve thought about each one and the things I craved. The things that grated on me.  Each one has been so completely unique, but so have each of my children.  Maybe I’m thinking about these things because life has been difficult lately.  Chris works too hard at a job, in a place that is undeserving.  The boys are fine, but I am still not used to the getting up early song and dance.  And I have a small child who likes to rest on nerves low in my abdomin, making sharp pains shoot all over my body.  Mix that in with one very painful bladder infection, finding out that my blood sugar is too low, that my blood pressure is even lower, and you have these last weeks in a nutshell. 

I hate to sound ungrateful because I am grateful, and so blessed.  But my hormones aren’t helping anything.  I’m crying a lot.  When I cry a lot, I contemplate.  I search for meaning behind it all.  I get mad at God, because conveniently he is okay with me being mad and keeps loving me anyway.  But for now to get back in the whole blogging thing I’ll share about the cravings and rantings.  Because I really have craved very intricate things and the rantings; they just come down to people being insensitive or just dumb.

Ah…the cravings:

Jonah was my first pregnancy.  I had just gotten married and put on about 30 lbs of good loving weight.  Then I was pregnant and proceeded to put on another 60-70lbs.  I am not exaggerating. The first months all I ate were grilled cheese sandwiches and pokemon mac’cheese…Ironically these are both of Jonah’s favorite things now.  If only I would’ve known my despise for pokemon and I would’ve forgone the mac’cheese.  After the first months I just  ate everything. Especially ice cream and late night trips to Denny’s for club sandwiches.  I was huge, but delighted in growing him.  He was my first and my size never bothered me at all.  What did bother me was my persistant heartburn, the constant swelling on my ankles, and my mobility.  Looking back I would only change my eating habits, everything else was just peachy.  Jonah was my longest and hardest labor: 8 hours.

Daniel came and I fell in love with mexican food.  I’d never really liked it before but now it is my favorite favorite food.  I was nauseous for about 3 months, and ate peanut butter sandwiches and oatmeal creme cookies.  My Daniel hearts Peanut Butter. The only thing that made me extrememly nauseated was Natalie Maines voice from the Dixie Chicks.  It gave me shoulder raising shivers, and so I couldn’t listen to them the entire pregnancy.  Again I felt good, but my  new Dr. was obsessed with my weight and commented on it every chance she got.  When I was in labor the oncall came in and was a super star…she was nice, very pretty, and knew what she was doing…I never saw my old Dr. again.  Daniel rested on my sciatic nerve the last few weeks of my pregnancy, so I had trouble walking and was in constant pain.  He was my quickest labor: less than 2 hours.

With my Mary I was mostly just sick.  I had to go to the hospital twice for fluids and couldn’t seem to keep anything down.  I lost weight at an alarming rate and just kept praying everything would be okay.  For the short time after some very expensive anti-nausea meds I craved beef jerky with her.  I really liked beef jerky.  And then it all changed.

Micah was a pregnancy I was so grateful for.  I craved watermelon, and iced coffee drinks with extra whip cream.  But my main indulgence was cookie dough blizzards…loved them!  It’s funny now, because Micah loves food.  He just loves it. But he especially loves iced coffees that he somehow finds off the highest counters and ice cream, anything that involves ice cream.  Towards the end of my pregnancy I started to panic that something would be wrong with him.  I panicked so much that they decided to induce me.  My labor with him was fast, but even though the cord was wrapped around his neck he was okay.  Beautiful and okay, and a labor with an epidural that worked wonders: 5 hours.

And now comes Grace…  This pregnancy started out hard like Mary’s.  They put me on medication earlier to help with the all-day-I-think-I’m-going-to-die-sickness.  After months of that I started wanting to eat foods.  I love Avocado’s this pregnancy and would eat them every day.  I’ve also been a big fan of red grapes and turkey pepperoni.  There are days when all I’ve thought about are Starbucks coffee…so I’ve bought a lot of them.  I swell with any little bit of sodium so I drink about 2 gallons of water a day. No joke. I’ve tried to really watch what I’ve eaten this pregnancy, but hasn’t seemed to make such a difference as my body has went into full preggo filling mode.  I am carrying lower this time and I like to call my belly with Grace in it the ever growing innertube.  I also don’t feel that great about myself.  Though I weigh less at this time than any of my other pregnancies I feel bigger.  Maybe it’s because I’m tired all the time, maybe it’s because she’s a girl.  Chris says that Grace has taken all my feel good,  so I have to keep reminding myself I am growing someone beautiful.

If I could just rant a bit:

Almost every day I’m asked if I’m having twins.  Almost every day someone says I look like I’m about to pop.  And I just have to say it drives me out of my freakin’ mind.  Not that I wouldn’t welcome twins, but I know that is just another way of saying, “Good Golly, You’re Huge!”  I know they don’t mean anything by it, but it still really hurts my feelings.  And sometimes it makes me cry (but it doesn’t take a lot to make me cry…in fact I cried during What Happens in Vegas the movie — I don’t think they meant it to be sad) 

I’m also sick and tired of hearing people say that the only reason we had another baby was to have a girl. Yes,  I am SO excited I’m having Grace, but never once did I want a girl more than a boy.  Creating life just doesn’t work that way.  I never clicked my heels together three times and thought thoughts about pretty princesses, and rainbow-brite pony’s to have a girl. I have a daughter, and though I don’t get to raise her she’s still mine. And I have loved having boys.  I love that they love being dirty, and think that fish hatchery’s are cool.  I love that they tackle their dad every time he sits on the floor and that as I type this they are building an enormous train track together for their Star Wars characters.  I love that there are more fist fights than drama, and I love that Chris and I are on the same team when it comes to parenting.  We are consistant and are raising good grateful children…who will someday become good grateful men.

 As much as I rant, I must rave about those good things.  The way my boys hug me and kiss my belly goodnight.  The way Micah pats my belly and says, “Baby Grace, Daddy’s Grace.”  The way Jonah talks about how he’s going to help me with her when she’s born and he’ll play with her, “As long as it’s not too girly.”  When Daniel talks to her about his day, and sings her the Johnny Appleseed song followed by a Taylor Swift love ballad.  They are going to be such good big brothers, and even though it’ll be another big transition I know they’ll be okay.  And we’ll be okay.  When I was pregnant with Micah someone actually said that they’d heard that people with three kids go so crazy they want to drive off a cliff.  Never been tempted,  not even once, though many times my kids have asked if it was possible…just to see how bumpy it would be.

These good things keep me going when it hurts to walk or when I start to worry that something will be wrong with my Grace.  These good things bring me peace through my kids who pray openly with God, trusting better than me, and a husband who loves me so completely.  Good things like family, and friends, who see me as I’ve always been…not perfect, but perfectly flawed with an endless craving to know what God has in store. 

So in the next couple months I’ll blog a bit more, but I can’t guarantee it’ll be with out a little rant here and there.  And where my writing may be lacking, I am determined low blood pressure, blood sugar, innertube and all to keep focus on the faith that has never let me down. 

This precious time, so literally “full of Grace” is worth it!